Going solo

I NEED a holiday.

Not want, need. I need to get away from all the things that remind me of everything I’ve lost this year (much more than just a relationship, but we’ll not get into that). I need to get away from my parents (I’m sorry – I love you both dearly but living at home again is trying, to say the least!). And I need to get away from people who know me. Deleting my Facebook account only made people more interested in my business, asking what’s wrong, where I’ve been, is everything ok… They mean well, of course. They just can’t take a fucking hint.

However, any travel companions I would have considered all have holidays booked already and no extra cash or time off work to book another trip with lonely old me. Thing is, I actually used to love travelling on my own! Quietly people watching in the airport, wondering who’s watching me back, drinking a cup of coffee, reading vogue, trying to give off to others the air of being an international jet setter. Oh, you’re travelling with a friend? Excited for your trip? How cute… I’m just flying to Paris for business, no big deal *glamorous hair flick* (these are just my inner dialogues btw, I’m not really that much of a dick). Before the break up I was already contemplating taking a solo city break while he was off partying with his friends in Ibiza. But of course now that going solo is imposed upon me, it isn’t so appealing anymore. It was different when you knew there would be two arms waiting to wrap themselves around you when you came home. That somebody would be missing you, excited to hear about your trip.

I’m in two minds about it (as I am about almost everything due to my paradoxical nature). Will holidaying alone break me once more? Will it be an overwhelming realisation of how alone I am and how much I miss my lover, my best friend? Will I be too anxious to even enjoy myself? Or is it just what I need to give me back a sense of autonomy? To prove to myself that I can do this alone, I will thrive without him, even just to prove to him what a bad ass, boss bitch he lost (this is how I imagine myself, strutting around cosmopolitan cities toute seule)?

My brain says it’s the smart thing to do, but that little depressed devil on my shoulder says I shouldn’t risk it. Honestly, I have a similar debate over so many things everyday and that little voice gets it’s way far too often. I have a huge list of things I know I should be doing to be happier, healthier, more successful, but I always put it off until tomorrow and, as it goes, tomorrow is yet to come. I’ve been told I give great advice but I certainly can’t take it. I could be a professional hypocrite (that has to be a job, right? I mean the Kardashians get paid for doing less).

It seems my heart and mind are constantly at war with each other. However, while my poor heart is on the mend I suppose it’s time I put this brain to use (it used to be quite good, from what I remember).

So does anybody know how to get cheap flights to Vegas?

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7 thoughts on “Going solo

  1. If you find any cheap flights to Vegas, let me know!

    I feel like this all of the time though. I always want to go somewhere, travel somewhere, but I don’t really like doing it alone. Mostly because going alone, sometimes makes me feel even more lonely. Knowing I’ll be going home to tell my adventures to no one and that really just takes the appeal out of it all.

    Then I think, what if this is the change I need to just feel better! Who cares if no one else wants to hear about it, I GET TO LIVE IT!

    I think a holiday alone, ultimately, could benefit, even if only for a little bit. 🙂

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    1. I think you’re right. The things I’m most proud of doing were things that I did alone, that totally pushed me out of my comfort zone. So I think I’ll try the ‘fake it til you make it’ approach and pretend I’m totally not shitting myself about my first solo since the breakup and hope that I can convince myself it’s all ok! I’ll keep an eye out for those flights 👍

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  2. Oh God, this could have literally come straight out of my thoughts. I also broke up with my best friend and had the worst year of my life. I’ve also been thinking of travelling alone, I feel like I need that kind of quiet. And I also oscilate from depressed to bad ass boss bitch who will rule the world.

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  3. I’m in the same boat & your post is so comforting. I’m my own worst enemy, but taking time away from social media & to reflect on your own is essential. Do you & live your best life. That’s what I’m trying to do anyway. Some days are better than others…

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    1. I’m glad I could comfort you a little, it’s good to know we’re not in this alone. I know what you mean that some days are better than others, it kind of comes in waves for me. But we’ll make it 🙂 !!x

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