As I said a couple of posts ago, “I’m into spiritual shit”. I believe in souls, I believe in soulmates. I believe that you can be in love more than once in life, but there will be ‘the one’, who means more to you than everybody else you’ve ever been with. But in light of recent events, I think that, sadly, when you find ‘the one’, you might not be their one.
It’s only been a couple of months since my breakup so I understand that my feelings may change, but I also feel like I know myself pretty well and I expect that he will always be my one. Although I’ll (hopefully) find love and happiness with someone else, given the choice it will probably always be him. I have an ex, the one who came before him, who told me I was the one. He was not my one, I always knew that. Over 2 years on he has not met anybody else and, when I saw him recently (after barely any contact at all since the breakup), he told me that he will always have feelings for me. He looked at me in a way I hadn’t been looked at in a while… It kills me to think that our breakup may have left him feeling the way I do currently, even just briefly. I wouldn’t wish heartbreak on my worst enemy (and I can be vengeful!).
I used to think that ‘the one’ and your ‘soulmate’ were the same person but as I scroll through Pinterest and Tumblr reading romantic quotes to dwell in my heartache, I’m starting to question that. A soulmate is somebody who knows your soul and accepts you for who you are. They love and support you, they appreciate you, they fight for you, they fight with you, they are there for you no matter what, they don’t try to change you. He didn’t do that for me…
Our relationship had a complicated start, but once we realised we were falling for each other I tried to start things off on the right foot. I was honest with him about my past, my mistakes, misjudgements, regrets. My bad habits, issues, weaknesses. I don’t regret being honest, but it didn’t reward me the way I expected it would. He held all of these things against me. In the end, it came out that he had never trusted me at all because of a mistake I had made years ago, before we even knew each other. He judged me harshly, he criticised me, he didn’t support me through the hard times, he thinks I’m bad. Although, I still believe he loved me, in his own way, in between the criticisms. (Before I paint him as a villian, it’s important to say that he treated me like a queen a lot of the time and I, of course, was not perfect.)
On the other hand, my girlfriends have stuck by me through everything. They have never given up on me no matter what fights we’ve had; never judged me no matter what mistakes I’ve made; never tried to change me and always supported me. What did I do to deserve them? Throughout the breakup, and my consequential break down, they have recognised that I’ve completely lost myself in him. I hate myself because I feel like I am what he thinks I am – bad, untrustworthy, manipulative, controlling, despite how hard I try to be good! My friends have been trying to build me up, telling me he’s crazy. I don’t know who to believe, but either way, I am so damn lucky to have them fighting my corner. Holding me up and holding my hand.
Many of us will be familiar with this quote from Sex and the City:
Maybe our girlfriends are our soul mates and guys are just people to have fun with.
I think Carrie may be on to something. He will always be my ‘one’, but my friends are the ones who have lived through ALL of my bullshit, forgiven me, accepted me and loved me. That sounds like a soulmate to me.
Images via Pinterest