There’s a blessing in the storm
I wouldn’t call myself an optimistic person, I think of myself as a realist. But sometimes if you don’t search (sometimes really hard) for a silver lining, you’ll just want to give the fuck up.
My family and I have had a rough year so far, with my dad losing his job and then a couple of bereavements, among other things. It truly has been one thing after another and it’s been really hard to look on the bright side… I tried to cheer up my dad by reminding him how lucky it was that he was home to support my mum as my granny passed (he worked abroad). We all coped with our grief by focusing on the fact that it’s brought our family closer together and even ended a feud between some. But for other things, the ‘blessing in the storm’ has yet to reveal itself. It’s not still stormy, but it’s not sunny either… Just kinda grey and dismal.
I tried to tell myself that something good to take from my recent heartbreak was that I will ‘grow’, learn from it and become a better person, a better girlfriend for next time. You know, the usual clichés. My head believes it but this miserable heart of mine doesn’t really feel like there’s any benefit at all. And yet, something is happening…
Focusing on my blog and my Instagram page (a wonderful distraction from a painful reality) has begun to open some doors for me – exciting, beautifully styled doors that I really, really want to go through, in my highest heels no less. I no longer feel obliged to stay in my shitty office job that forces me to wear lilac (*gags*), just to pay the rent. I’m spending time with my friends, I have so many travel opportunities (which I cannot decide between!), I’m not worrying about money for the first time in years (except for when I spend £100 on an outfit just to get covered in beer, whoops)… And last night, I had the time of my life! You know one of those nights that are just so perfect, with the best people, where you feel on top of the world? I couldn’t have had that night if we were still together – despite the fact that I didn’t do anything that any boyfriend should be upset about, he still wouldn’t have been happy about it. Stupidly, today I still feel some guilt over it, but at least I don’t have the fear of him berating me (and threatening to leave me) for it.
There is good in this utter shitstorm, but why doesn’t it feel like it? My head can see it and recognise it and type it down for you lovely readers but my heart still disagrees. I think I would give it all up to have him back… They say we’re all fools in love, well, I am your Queen. Queen fucking idiot.
Everything is just so conflicted right now, I have so much to consider, decisions to make, and my heart doesn’t seem to be on my side! It’s all too much (I admit the hangover doesn’t help). Can I just pay somebody to give me all the answers please? Is that how therapy works? Should I go see a psychic? Can the powers that be please send an epiphany my way? Perhaps a vision in my tub of ice cream?
Anybody else feel like this or am I just a hungover mess? On a side note I do think that I should go raving more often… And drink a little less.
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