I’ve previously referred to myself as a walking paradox; I’m either totally apathetic towards something or totally passionate about it. But I don’t always want to be so passionate about things. As we’ve previously established, I (stupidly) managed to completely lose myself in my relationship, but it’s even the little things that I struggle with…
Since moving into my parents spare room I’ve had all my stuff packed in boxes and there is just SO much. And you know what? I could count on 1 hand the number of things I’ve actually needed out of those boxes over the last 3 months. So much of it is stuff that just means something to me, brings back a memory, even just a small, silly one. Do I really need all those memories? Let me give you an example…
Somewhere in a box within a box, probably within another box (I have a thing for boxes) I know that I have 2 rocks (yes, you read correctly, rocks) from… I wanna say Sicily? Which a boy brought me back from his holiday when we were about 13. We sat beside each other in class (it was alphabetical order) and I can’t even bloody remember the significance of the rocks, but there was one, and it was really funny at the time, so I’ve kept these rocks for over a decade, from a guy I haven’t even spoken to for the majority of that decade. I realise I sound like a hoarder, but as long as it’s tidied away it doesn’t count, right?
I am still gutted about my laptop that gave up the ghost out of nowhere and took years of photos with it (bimbo here didn’t have the sense to back any of it up). So, of course, I still have the laptop – despite being told that there’s no way to access the photos, I keep it just in case of a technological miracle. I even went as far as to start a fight with the ‘tech whiz’ who gave me the bad news (and charged me £18 for it may I add) when I bumped into him after faaaar too much prosecco. Luckily he saw the funny side when I made fun of his eyelashes (they’re very long and beautiful) *hangs head in shame*.
But my problem extends past hoarding and fighting with pretty men. Remember when I said I had the time of my life on Saturday night? Now I’m even mourning the loss of it! I’m genuinely pining for that night, that feeling of being on top of the world. Instead of just being happy that I had such a fantastic time, my heart has to feel sad that time didn’t stand still. Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard?
I read all this self-help, self-love, finding peace crap (which is often super contradictory) and everyone says ‘you have to learn to let go. You have to let go of the past. Be thankful for it and move on.’ Like, yeah, ok, I’m smart enough to know that’s what I should do, I think most of us can figure that part out by ourselves. But it all fails to teach me how to let go. My head is on board, giving me two thumbs up, braced and ready to go. My heart on the other hand is the moody teenager spending a sunny day in a darkened room, impossible to get it excited about anything!
I used to hate my apathy. I was always waiting for the next thing to come along to fall in love with, to day dream about, to give me the goosebumps and euphoria I cherish so much. Lately, I’d love to be able to just turn down the dial on my emotions.
The grass is always greener eh? I just need a good slap!!!
Quotes via Pinterest