I am sick of being called naive. Specifically, I am sick of being called naive by men, simply for trusting other men.

I’m naturally a quite guarded person. I don’t open myself up to people straight away. I believe I’m a rather good judge of character and it’s not often I come across someone who I ‘judge’ can handle the true me (i.e. all the hatred and moodiness). I have a small circle of friends and even my best friends don’t know what I really think most of the time. The older I get the less friends I have, c’est la vie; but having been in a serious relationship, almost all male friends have dropped off completely and now, if there is ever any chance of a friendship with a member of the opposite sex, I am naive for thinking – even for a second – that they just want to be friends.

It’s as if every guy I know believes that every other guy is some sort of sexual predator and they themselves are the only decent guy capable of suppressing any sexual urges they may have towards every female they interact with. I’m sick of it!

Am I destined to a life of female-only interactions? Treating men as if they only view me sexually (and be accused of tarring all men with the same brush!)? No, I’m not going to give in to their misogyny. I am not a sexual object and I will not tolerate anyone who sees me that way. I won’t shy away, afraid of giving them the wrong impression – I’ll act like the equal human being I am and set the fucking record straight.

As I said before, I’m a pretty good judge of character and when I first meet people I tend to keep them at arms length. So it is only after some time and consideration that I may entertain the idea of a real friendship with somebody – male or female. I don’t blindly decide to be best mates with every guy that starts acting over familiar with me out of the blue.

Also, guys themselves are aware of how their friendship can come across and this will usually come up in conversation eventually. If they take the time to make it clear to me that they aren’t interested in anything else, why shouldn’t I believe them? What? Are they going to lie to me, hope to become my best friend and find a way to ‘worm their way in’ with me? Who on earth would put that much time, effort and patience into anybody, let alone me? That’s crazy. And I’m pretty sure ‘fuckboys’ (not sure I’m even using that work correctly – it’s just something I keep coming across sur l’internet!) would far rather just move along to somebody they have a better chance with.

That being said, I understand that ‘boys will be boys’ (a ridiculous excuse for misogyny to be acceptable in our society) and yeah, if I offered myself up on a plate for my male friends, most of them would probably take advantage of it (not that I look like a VS angel or anything but when sex is offered up it seems a man’s ‘standards’ go out the window. How else can you explain all the footballers etc who cheat on their lusted-over WAGs with extremely average prostitutes, for example?). But these are friends who also respect me, listen to me, have been there for me when I needed them, and never made a move on me no matter how drunk/vulnerable/any other state that some men use to take advantage I am and the fact is, I’m not offering myself up on a plate. I’m not even flirtatious; I don’t dress provocatively, I’ve never been promiscuous and I know how to say no.

When a boyfriend or friend tells me that I’m stupid for being friends with another male, what is stupid about it? What do they think is going to happen? That I’ll be ‘stupid enough’ to find myself alone with them, they’ll make a move and I will be overwhelmed with their masculinity and willingly yield to their advances? I don’t fucking think so.

Now when this has been an issue with any boyfriends in the past, they all use the line ‘I trust you but I don’t trust him.’ And are they worried that I’m putting myself in danger? That I may be raped? No. They’re worried that I’ll cheat. It’s bullshit. I can understand that they wouldn’t like the idea of me giving a guy the wrong impression, which I strive never to do. If they really do trust me then they should realise that all that’s going to happen when somebody makes a move on me, is that they will be rejected, probably be embarrassed about it and not want to hang around me afterwards. Surely this is only a good thing for the ‘concerned’ boyfriend?

On the other hand… this constant perception of every man as sexual predators does make me second guess their intentions at first. But what should I do about that? Do I have to tell men straight off the bat that I’m not interested, just because I’m female? Does my vagina have to come with a disclaimer?

Recently a guy from work, who I’ve always got along with, started talking to me more and more. Now, I hadn’t told anybody at work about my breakup, but as it had been a few months I guess people began to notice there was no mention of him (which of course would seem odd considering we were living together). So I guess there must have been whisperings of my single status as there was also a rumour that I was going on a date with a 30 yo chronic weed-smoker who’s half my size, who I’ve never even spoke to outside of the office (I should be so lucky…). Anyway this other guy, pretty much the only one there who I have anything in common with (fyi there’s only one other female in my workplace), started talking to me more and more. I admit, I was immediately suspicious; even more so when I heard that he had fallen out with his girlfriend and hadn’t spoke to her in about a fortnight. I tried to make my disinterest clear by telling him to make up with her and showing my disdain when he shook it off like it was no big deal. It genuinely did annoy me – nobody should act as though they don’t care about their partner.

The more we talked about life outside of the office, he was the next one to call me stupid for giving another guy the benefit of the doubt. Stupid to think any man could be just friends with me. But wait, what was he doing exactly? Oh, of course we’re just friends!

And that really should be the case because I certainly do not flirt with him or make any sort of hints that I’m interested and he still has a girlfriend whether they’re arguing or not. It’s not so hard to believe that it’s just nice to talk to somebody who shares interests that your other friends do not and who works with you, so can bitch about the boss and vent after a long working week. So, I’m giving him the benefit the doubt – I’m making a new friend – and I will be called naive for doing so. Because, of course, his penis is just biding it’s time, waiting to pounce from the friend zone *eye roll*.

I’ll just keep going to muay thai to be sure I can fight it off. Or roundhouse kick the next man who laughs at my ‘naïveté’.

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Sweet dreams aren’t made of this


Little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Except for my subconscious which is filled only with the horrible, hideous and everything terrifying. No beaux rêves for me. 

I had my own little ‘inception’ experience last night (where is DiCaprio when you need him ffs?). I first dreamt, or rather, ‘nightmared’ – yes, I made it a verb – that I was in the woods with an anonymous man, who seemed to be my boyfriend. We were setting up camp when I came across a bloody, severed, mangled head; there was blood everywhere and I was suddenly aware that there was a deranged killer in the woods hunting us (you know how in dreams you just know things without any explanation?). For some reason I was freaking out about getting some blood on me as if it carried a disease or something and mystery man was lying there sick (possibly dying?) and utterly useless. But I wasn’t at all worried about him, whoever he was! I was just aware that he was somebody who should have been able to help or protect me, but could not. Anyway the car was broken so I ran off into the long grass and next thing I’m in my back garden (only it wasn’t my back garden?!) with my dad and my broken car. My dad was acting really weird and again, I was just aware that he couldn’t help me. This time I ran to the front of the house where my car was parked across the middle of the road (which I actually thought was strange – whereas so far the rest of the dream apparently hadn’t struck me as anything out of the ordinary (?!)). I remember feeling incredibly scared and alone. There were people around but it was as if they weren’t real and they couldn’t save me from whoever was ‘after’ me. I clambered into my car and struggled to get it started, that’s where the dream ended.

Now, I guess that’s a pretty typical nightmare and probably all that it signifies is that I know, deep down inside, however much I don’t want it to be true, that my poor wee car is probably going to shit itself soon. But then, I dreamt that I woke up and was telling somebody about how scary the nightmare was! That bit fucked with my head a bit when I really did wake up! You’re probably wondering where I’m going with this but the next dream is even odder.

This time I’m in some sort of waiting room, I think it’s a hospital. I don’t know if I’m waiting to be seen to or to see someone but I don’t question it – I’m just waiting. My mum is beside me and Will Smith is beside her. Which was no big deal. I was playing it cool and hoping that for some reason he falls in love with me (I have no explanation for this. I think I might have him rapping on the radio yesterday?). Anyway I look down at my feet and my shoes are filled with snakes and worms. They’re all tangled together, writhing around all over my feet and starting to crawl up my legs! I’m trying to kick my shoes off without pissing off the snakes or squishing a worm… Then I think the dream changed simply to more waiting. You might not think that’s particularly interesting but as I dream a lot it’s always a red flag when there’s a new theme. 

I’ve never dreamt of worms before and have only begun to dream of snakes (creatures that I actually love in reality) since the breakup. Interesting. So here is what Dream Moods’ ‘dream dictionary’ had to say about my nightmares:

Worms: To see a worm in your dream represents weakness, degradation, filth and general negativity. You have a very low opinion of yourself or of someone in your life. The dream may also relate to self-esteem issues or a skewed self image. Alternatively, dreaming of a worm may be a metaphor for someone who is untrustworthy or slick.
To dream that the worm is crawling on your body indicates that you feel someone around you is taking advantage of you and feeding off your kind heartedness.

Snakes: To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of. 
Hospital: To see or dream that you are in a hospital symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental health. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life. 

Waiting: To dream that you are waiting is indicative of issues of power/control and feelings of dependence/independence, especially in a relationship. Consider how you feel in the dream while you were waiting. If you are patient, then you know things will happen at their own pace. If you are impatient, then it means that you are being too demanding or that your expectations are too high.
Alternatively, the dream may denote your expectations and anxieties about some unknown situation or decision. You are experiencing a sense of anticipation or uneasiness.

Killer: To see a killer in your dream suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. 
Father: To see your father in your dream symbolizes authority and protection. It suggests that you need to be more self-reliant. 

Alone: To dream that you are alone indicates feelings of rejection. You may be feeling that no one understand you.
Car: To dream that you are driving a car denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate fromone stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.
To dream that your car won’t start indicates that you are feeling powerless in some situation.

Running: To dream that you are running away from someone indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.
Now, anybody who has been reading my blog can probably see how much these interpretations can relate to my current situation. Is my subconscious ringing alarm bells? 

What do you think? Interesting or a load of nonsense? Do you ever interpret your dreams? Do I just watch too many horror movies? My cat’s tail probably wrapped itself around my foot during the night which my lovely mind turned into slimy, scaly creatures for me. And why didn’t Will Smith try to help me?! So many questions. 

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P.S. There are of course other interpretations for my dream symbols, I just cut it down to what I felt could apply to me. If you have any other suggestions/experience with this stuff I’d love to hear it.

P.P.S. I’m aware that many people will be rolling their eyes at the idea of interpreting dreams. But fuck you. 


I act like shit don’t faze me – inside it drives me crazy. My insecurities could eat me alive…

Quelle surprise, the angry blonde’s an Eminem fan. I bet loads of us can relate to these lyrics…

Don’t be mistaken, there’s a lot in life that truly doesn’t faze me. People say I’m cool (in the calm sense, I’m not just boasting that I’m trendy here). Especially in work, they say I’m cool as a cucumber – I never get stressed! That’s not coolness that’s total apathy. I just don’t care enough to give me any sort of energy to react. Maybe that’s what makes me cool? Not caring about stuff? If so, I need a chill pill for my love life.

I’m trying so hard to take things slow with him and play it cool (5th time using that, somebody throw me an adjective), but it really is an act. I don’t feel cool at all, I feel fucking stressed out! Constantly reading in to everything he says – even more so to the things he doesn’t say! Imagining every possible scenario from the plausible to the downright absurd. I feel so out of control and it’s horrible! I never even knew I had control issues until the breakup. Why am I so different with him than I am in every other aspect of my life? Why does he kill my cool?

Every little thing that happens between us, as minor as him not texting me back, sends my brain into overdrive. My mouth stays shut (at least I finally mastered that part!) but my mind completely overreacts and becomes so irrational. It really goes full Kanye:

Then there’s something telling me to fucking chill before I scare him off again. Isn’t that ridiculous? This guy used to love me and now I’m perpetually afraid of ‘scaring him off’; which isn’t the right expression, really. He won’t leave me ’cause he’s scared, it’ll be because he can’t be bothered putting up with me. I’m the one who’s scared.

I just wish we could rewind and go back to acting and feeling the way we did before, when we were happy and in love. He teases me with glimmers of nostalgia; like when I stayed at his a couple nights ago, in the middle of the night he put his arm around my waist and pulled me across the bed into him for a big squeeze and a spoon. I fell back to sleep with the biggest smile on my face. How could I ever walk away from that?

No, I couldn’t. So I gotta learn to keep cool. Oh you’re too busy to send me a text all day? That’s ok no big deal. Midnight spooning sessions? Nah sorry I didn’t even notice. You wanna book a trip to Paris? Sure whatever.

Is this how the whole ‘treat ’em mean keep ’em keen’ thing works? Do boys like this? Cause it seems boring as fuck to me. And stressful too! My little over active brain can’t cope with these games *sigh* I think I’ll shut down for the weekend…

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Me, myself and I

I decided to post some facts about me to try and let you see that there’s sometimes more to me than the whiney bitch who writes most of this blog… But I apologise if it comes across as incredibly narcissistic, as the title suggests! I actually really like reading these kinds of posts from the blogs I follow and would love if anybody reading would comment a few things/a thing about themselves. I’m always interested in the stuff that people don’t show us straight away! 

I should warn you though that I’m not that interesting… Also I’ve had 3 glasses of wine and a glass of port so don’t be expecting this to be well written (although drinking port makes me feel super sophisticated I don’t think it really makes me any more eloquent). 

Ok here’s some shit about the angry blonde that you don’t need to know:

  1. I have a degree in french
  2. I drive like a maniac
  3. I love horror movies, scary stories, anything spooky, kinda wish I was a witch…
  4. A few years ago I was thinking of joining the army and was training to be an officer.
  5. I love rave/trance/drum n bass
  6. But I also love classic rock like Aerosmith and fleetwood mac
  7. I turn into a big girly mess of oestrogen over cute animals
  8. However I really dislike babies and children and never want any of my own (not a maternal bone in this body. It scares my mum)
  9. I always had horses growing up and did a lot of riding. I miss it
  10. As cliché as it is, I’m in love with Paris. I’ve spent a lot of time there so it’s kind of like a second home now
  11. I’m a quintessential scorpio and believe that most people possess the traits attributed to their zodiac sign
  12. As a young teen I spent a lot of time in the UAE. Very interesting, to experience first hand an entirely different culture
  13. I’m addicted to puzzles – especially logic puzzles – especially japanese logic puzzles
  14. I spend far too much time sleeping. I nap all the time!
  15. Despite the fact that I always have very vivid dreams/nightmares which often affect my mood for the entire day
  16. I can’t cook to save my life
  17. But I LOVE food. I’m addicted to sushi, love fine dining and have a serious sweet tooth
  18. It’s just as well I work out a lot
  19. I started binge drinking when I was 14, my parents had no idea.
  20. I’ve experimented with drugs and wish that that wasn’t so socially unacceptable when it’s perfectly fine to get pissed out your head, act a dick and put yourself in risky situations.
  21. I’m always cold
  22. I have some small tattoos
  23. I’m an introvert, but I’m not shy
  24. Not a lot of things make me as happy as a sunny autumn day with a hot chocolate does
  25. I drink Guinness
  26. I eat a LOT
  27. I have 2 brothers and there aren’t any other girls in my family (well there’s a couple cousins in England but we don’t really know each other)
  28. I love watching MMA, follow UFC and practice boxing myself (have also just begun Muay Thai)
  29. I fucking hate it when people give their cars a name or when men constantly refer to any sort of vehicle as ‘she’ or ‘her’. Just, wtf?!
  30. Beach holidays don’t appeal to me in the slightest, I like city breaks and camping.
  31. I’ve been in a few fights and am a lot more careful what I say and who I say it to since I know how it feels to be punched in the face (by a guy, no less). Tip: if you don’t want to get hit back, you better make sure you hit hard enough the first time!
  32. I love movies and when I see a good one it will stick in my mind for weeks. I even love the arty, aestheticy ones where nothing really happens
  33. I used to be quite artistic but as an adult I never draw or create anything anymore. My Instagram usually satisfies any creative urges I have these days, which is quite sad really
  34. I’m absolutely useless with technology 
  35. I’m really into fashion but my bank account and social life dictates that I spend 80% of my time in jeans and a hoody
  36. I love hats. I don’t wear them often enough (it’s so windy here by the sea!)
  37. Yeah, I live by the sea but never really learned to swim and am pretty scared of the water
  38. I had my appendix out as a kid, I like the scar
  39. I’m a serial monogammer – I turn 25 in November and I’ve been in 3 long term relationships already. I think that’s weird.
  40. I love funfairs and candyfloss even though both make me feel sick

Ok that’s about enough narcissism for one night don’t you think? I’m away to bed ’cause I’m hungry and if I stay up any later I’m gonna have to raid the fridge. Forget fine dining – I’ll be eating my way through a pack of ham like a philistine.

Leave me a comment guys, tell me something weird. Spill some secrets 🙂 

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    Time to come clean…

    So I just typed up a whole post about how busy I’ve been and all the lovely things I’ve been up to… When I called myself on my bullshit and deleted it to tell you the real reason I’ve gone AWOL.

    A couple of weeks ago I got a text from him. It was 2.30 a.m. (so I could safely deduce that he’d been drinking) ‘Are you awake?’  Strangely, I had woke up a few seconds before and sat up to look at my phone and check what time it was, just as the text came in (coincidence or sixth sense?!). Anyway, cue hyper-ventilating and my heart almost exploding out of my chest… Was this what I’d been waiting for? When he tells me it’s all been a huge mistake and he loves me and wants to get married and live happily ever after and buy me some louboutins to apologise?! (Too far?) ‘Yes’  I replied, he came back with ‘How are you?’

    How am I? You text me at 2.30a.m. on a Monday to see how I am? Nah mate. I replied ‘I really don’t want to make small talk with you. Why are you texting me at 2.30 in the morning?’ , I wasn’t fucking about. But I must have scared him off because he told me to forget it and didn’t reply to me again. Needless to say I didn’t get any more sleep that night, over-analysing every possible meaning The Text could have. The next day, when I showed a couple of friends the messages (god bless screenshots <3), one told me to forget about it and the other told me to chase it up. She said he obviously wanted to speak to me and I’d spooked him off. True, he probably wasn’t expecting my retort. I text him again about 10pm just saying that if he was interested in a real conversation to let me know. Again, he’d been drinking, and sent me all these messages about how he’s missed me, he hasn’t forgotten about me, things are getting harder instead of easier, he’s depressed over it… I’m still baffled by it to be honest. He told me to my face that he will never want to be with me again and he was ready to not have me in his life anymore. I think my brain’s going to mush from the amount of times he’s flipped things on me 180!

    He seemed genuinely upset. And it upset me to think of him hurting… Despite this having been what I wanted the past three months – for him to come back and prove it was all real. My heart didn’t flutter the way I thought it would, I don’t want him to be sad. I agreed to meet him the next night.

    We met at the beach and sat in my car (no romantic walks for this dysfunctional couple!). Oddly, I wasn’t nervous. And it even felt as if we hadn’t been apart at all… It still felt weird though. Just in a different way. We could be friendly with each other, talk, laugh… but it was weird to just act like friends. It was weird to tell each other about what we’ve been doing without each other. He said he wants to start seeing each other again to see what happens, but there’s no guarantees that he will want to get back together.

    This is why I’ve been putting off posting about it – because it sounds so ridiculous for me to put myself in that position again, to risk having my heart broken by the same man a third time. But, of course, that’s exactly what I’ve done. In my defense – so far it seems to be going well. The first time we hugged and then kissed each other again, I really felt as though he had missed me. It felt genuine. Since then we’ve spent time together doing the things we used to love, a fancy lunch in Ox in Belfast, staying up all night with wine and chocolate to watch UFC, a beautiful walk and hot chocolate at Mount Stewart… tonight we went for sushi and then to the cinema, tomorrow we’re having a mini BBQ by the fire pit in his mum’s garden (she’s away on holiday).

    My friends have mixed opinions, some think I’m crazy, some are happy and hopeful for me. I’m too nervous to tell my parents… but I’m not sure what’s stopping him from telling his. I guess neither of us know where this is going, which should scare me. It should really, really scare me. But instead I have a fucked up sense of calm… I’m feeling really happy and inspired again. Which makes me mad at myself! I was supposed to be learning to define my self-worth without his opinion. And yet, since finding out that he’s been missing me all this time, I feel like myself again. It’s like when you’ve been out in the cold in the middle of winter and when you come inside and sit by the fire it takes ages before you get the heat into your body again. It’s like thawing out, I’m finally warming up again after months of being out in the cold. It’s so fucked up. Why does he have so much control over my happiness?

    Because of this, I’m probably making a huge mistake, but I have to take the chance. Like I’ve said before, I’m a big romantic. Maybe we’re meant to be together. Maybe it’s going to mean taking a big risk, and working really hard, but it’ll be worth it… That much seems clear to me. So why do I feel like I’m doing something wrong? I’m honestly nervous to post this and find out your reactions! I hope to god that isn’t my subconscious trying to tell me something.

    I really miss being in love. It feels like I don’t have a choice but to try. But I’ll just be so broken if he can’t love me back.

    In other news, my new dress is so cute I had to buy it in TWO colours! Check it out, along with pics of my first autumn walk, to make up for the lack of pretty pictures at the beginning of this post (nothing seemed suitable except maybe a picture of a dunce cap!):
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    P.S. Dresses are from ASOS btw, cute, right?!

    Hot Chocolate

    “Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall”

    – F. Scott Fitzgerald

    Well after a shitty summer I am very happy to welcome September!

    Autumn is my absolute favourite time of year, here’s a few reasons why:

    • Crispy leaves to crunch and kick around
    • Nice shiny conkers decorating the streets
    • A chill in the air that feels like change
    • Officially acceptable to drink hot chocolate everyday
    • Wood fires
    • Scarves and big jumpers
    • Boots and dark lipstick
    • American horror story!!!
    • Sparklers, fireworks and bonfire night
    • Homemade soups and stews
    • Cosy nights in with red wine and blankets
    • So much colour everywhere you look
    • Hot chocolate
    • Dark, starry nights
    • Hallowe’en!!!
    • Fresh air and flushed cheeks
    • Toffee apples and pumpkin flavoured everything!
    • This is England 90
    • Hot drinks on a chilly morning
    • Apples and cinnamon
    • Candles everywhere
    • Hot chocolate
    • We’re allowed to start thinking about Xmas!
    • Hot cider and mulled wine
    • Hand-holding and keep-me-warm cuddles
    • Golden mornings
    • An extra hour in bed when the clocks go back!
    • Onesies and hot water bottles
    • Hot chocolate
    • My birthday yay!
    • Hot chocolate.

    Time to stop fake tanning and worrying about a ‘bikini body’ – let operation ‘insulate’ commence!

    Images via Tumblr & Nectar and Stone

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