Time to come clean…

So I just typed up a whole post about how busy I’ve been and all the lovely things I’ve been up to… When I called myself on my bullshit and deleted it to tell you the real reason I’ve gone AWOL.

A couple of weeks ago I got a text from him. It was 2.30 a.m. (so I could safely deduce that he’d been drinking) ‘Are you awake?’  Strangely, I had woke up a few seconds before and sat up to look at my phone and check what time it was, just as the text came in (coincidence or sixth sense?!). Anyway, cue hyper-ventilating and my heart almost exploding out of my chest… Was this what I’d been waiting for? When he tells me it’s all been a huge mistake and he loves me and wants to get married and live happily ever after and buy me some louboutins to apologise?! (Too far?) ‘Yes’  I replied, he came back with ‘How are you?’

How am I? You text me at 2.30a.m. on a Monday to see how I am? Nah mate. I replied ‘I really don’t want to make small talk with you. Why are you texting me at 2.30 in the morning?’ , I wasn’t fucking about. But I must have scared him off because he told me to forget it and didn’t reply to me again. Needless to say I didn’t get any more sleep that night, over-analysing every possible meaning The Text could have. The next day, when I showed a couple of friends the messages (god bless screenshots <3), one told me to forget about it and the other told me to chase it up. She said he obviously wanted to speak to me and I’d spooked him off. True, he probably wasn’t expecting my retort. I text him again about 10pm just saying that if he was interested in a real conversation to let me know. Again, he’d been drinking, and sent me all these messages about how he’s missed me, he hasn’t forgotten about me, things are getting harder instead of easier, he’s depressed over it… I’m still baffled by it to be honest. He told me to my face that he will never want to be with me again and he was ready to not have me in his life anymore. I think my brain’s going to mush from the amount of times he’s flipped things on me 180!

He seemed genuinely upset. And it upset me to think of him hurting… Despite this having been what I wanted the past three months – for him to come back and prove it was all real. My heart didn’t flutter the way I thought it would, I don’t want him to be sad. I agreed to meet him the next night.

We met at the beach and sat in my car (no romantic walks for this dysfunctional couple!). Oddly, I wasn’t nervous. And it even felt as if we hadn’t been apart at all… It still felt weird though. Just in a different way. We could be friendly with each other, talk, laugh… but it was weird to just act like friends. It was weird to tell each other about what we’ve been doing without each other. He said he wants to start seeing each other again to see what happens, but there’s no guarantees that he will want to get back together.

This is why I’ve been putting off posting about it – because it sounds so ridiculous for me to put myself in that position again, to risk having my heart broken by the same man a third time. But, of course, that’s exactly what I’ve done. In my defense – so far it seems to be going well. The first time we hugged and then kissed each other again, I really felt as though he had missed me. It felt genuine. Since then we’ve spent time together doing the things we used to love, a fancy lunch in Ox in Belfast, staying up all night with wine and chocolate to watch UFC, a beautiful walk and hot chocolate at Mount Stewart… tonight we went for sushi and then to the cinema, tomorrow we’re having a mini BBQ by the fire pit in his mum’s garden (she’s away on holiday).

My friends have mixed opinions, some think I’m crazy, some are happy and hopeful for me. I’m too nervous to tell my parents… but I’m not sure what’s stopping him from telling his. I guess neither of us know where this is going, which should scare me. It should really, really scare me. But instead I have a fucked up sense of calm… I’m feeling really happy and inspired again. Which makes me mad at myself! I was supposed to be learning to define my self-worth without his opinion. And yet, since finding out that he’s been missing me all this time, I feel like myself again. It’s like when you’ve been out in the cold in the middle of winter and when you come inside and sit by the fire it takes ages before you get the heat into your body again. It’s like thawing out, I’m finally warming up again after months of being out in the cold. It’s so fucked up. Why does he have so much control over my happiness?

Because of this, I’m probably making a huge mistake, but I have to take the chance. Like I’ve said before, I’m a big romantic. Maybe we’re meant to be together. Maybe it’s going to mean taking a big risk, and working really hard, but it’ll be worth it… That much seems clear to me. So why do I feel like I’m doing something wrong? I’m honestly nervous to post this and find out your reactions! I hope to god that isn’t my subconscious trying to tell me something.

I really miss being in love. It feels like I don’t have a choice but to try. But I’ll just be so broken if he can’t love me back.

In other news, my new dress is so cute I had to buy it in TWO colours! Check it out, along with pics of my first autumn walk, to make up for the lack of pretty pictures at the beginning of this post (nothing seemed suitable except maybe a picture of a dunce cap!):
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P.S. Dresses are from ASOS btw, cute, right?!

2 thoughts on “Time to come clean…

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