Cool

I act like shit don’t faze me – inside it drives me crazy. My insecurities could eat me alive…

Quelle surprise, the angry blonde’s an Eminem fan. I bet loads of us can relate to these lyrics…

Don’t be mistaken, there’s a lot in life that truly doesn’t faze me. People say I’m cool (in the calm sense, I’m not just boasting that I’m trendy here). Especially in work, they say I’m cool as a cucumber – I never get stressed! That’s not coolness that’s total apathy. I just don’t care enough to give me any sort of energy to react. Maybe that’s what makes me cool? Not caring about stuff? If so, I need a chill pill for my love life.

I’m trying so hard to take things slow with him and play it cool (5th time using that, somebody throw me an adjective), but it really is an act. I don’t feel cool at all, I feel fucking stressed out! Constantly reading in to everything he says – even more so to the things he doesn’t say! Imagining every possible scenario from the plausible to the downright absurd. I feel so out of control and it’s horrible! I never even knew I had control issues until the breakup. Why am I so different with him than I am in every other aspect of my life? Why does he kill my cool?

Every little thing that happens between us, as minor as him not texting me back, sends my brain into overdrive. My mouth stays shut (at least I finally mastered that part!) but my mind completely overreacts and becomes so irrational. It really goes full Kanye:


Then there’s something telling me to fucking chill before I scare him off again. Isn’t that ridiculous? This guy used to love me and now I’m perpetually afraid of ‘scaring him off’; which isn’t the right expression, really. He won’t leave me ’cause he’s scared, it’ll be because he can’t be bothered putting up with me. I’m the one who’s scared.

I just wish we could rewind and go back to acting and feeling the way we did before, when we were happy and in love. He teases me with glimmers of nostalgia; like when I stayed at his a couple nights ago, in the middle of the night he put his arm around my waist and pulled me across the bed into him for a big squeeze and a spoon. I fell back to sleep with the biggest smile on my face. How could I ever walk away from that?

No, I couldn’t. So I gotta learn to keep cool. Oh you’re too busy to send me a text all day? That’s ok no big deal. Midnight spooning sessions? Nah sorry I didn’t even notice. You wanna book a trip to Paris? Sure whatever.

Is this how the whole ‘treat ’em mean keep ’em keen’ thing works? Do boys like this? Cause it seems boring as fuck to me. And stressful too! My little over active brain can’t cope with these games *sigh* I think I’ll shut down for the weekend…

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