Where I’d rather be

We seem to have been plunged into winter over night here. Dark mornings, short days, cold feet and lots of rain! Dreaming of autumnal sun…


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When he broke up with me all I could think about was how happy we could be if we gave things another shot. All the things I needed to ‘fix’ about myself seemed  so easy to do when the relationship was at stake. I thought I could be perfect for him and he would love me the way he did at the beginning – back when he was proud to be seen with me.

When he got back in touch and said he wanted to give things another go I thought that, with a little time, we would fall head over heels for each other again. We’d go back to ‘dating’ and it would feel new and exciting like before. But it’s been a little while now and the reality is that we go days without speaking to each other, we hang out like we’re just friends way too often, he doesn’t kiss me and of course he doesn’t love me.

Why doesn’t he want to kiss me anymore? He wants to see me and make plans with me. He has no problem sleeping with me. He says all the right things… But when it comes down to it, he doesn’t want to kiss me. I mean, he isn’t grimacing everytime I come at him with a pout – he doesn’t seem to mind kissing me back, but the kiss is never his idea.

Now that we aren’t living together we have to schedule time to see each other and my friends who are living with their other halves think this is great – it means planning things and getting dressed for one another – Not sitting around in PJs, eating dinner in front of the TV and nodding off on the sofa, which can easily become the only quality time couples spend together when you both work full time. But that’s not really how it goes. With his (very) busy schedule we mostly just sit at his mum’s house and watch netflix and UFC until the early hours then go to bed. I mean, I can do that and not be kissed at my own house. I don’t mind sitting in infront of the TV on a Saturday night but if I’m not getting any cuddles or even much conversation, why am I there? What’s he even inviting me over for?

I’m not stressing too much over it. It is what it is and que sera, sera. My life doesn’t revolve around him anymore and that’s for the best. I’m just sad to lose that passion and love we once had for each other. The strange thing though, is how normal it seems to be to not be affectionate with one another. Friends in long term relationships tell me they’ll go days without kissing their man. Few of them spend much ‘quality’ time with them at all – choosing instead to go out with friends or something.

Is complacency in a relationship just to be expected? Is every day together just another step toward apathy? Is growing apart the only way to grow?

I love so much the idea of marriage and I crave a deep, passionate, all-consuming, inconvenient love – but it’s hard to believe that this exists without an expiration date. I really hope it can. I hope the relationships that I see are a product of our lifestyle and society and that we can all overcome it. Stop letting everything else get in the way of the one thing that all else seems to fall apart without – that one person in the centre of our universe that,  we’re so used to seeing, often gets looked straight past.

Take it from A&B:

There’s a thing called love, that we all forget…

And it’s a wasted love, that we all regret…

You live your life just once, so don’t forget about a thing called love.

And if you can’t love somebody anymore, fucking let them go find somebody who can. Don’t tease them with netflix and chill and empty promises. Just figure out your damn feelings UGH!

And if anybody else is feeling weird tonight, I highly recommend eating pecan pie and singing along to Above and Beyond, because (despite how I appear in this post) I am sitting here quite content right now. I have gemütlichkeit from my pie ^___^

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Wicked Stepmother

Why do women think it’s OK to berate me for not wanting children?

I’ve never wanted children. As a child my mum would give me dolls to play with and I hated them. I always played with stuffed animals instead. I remember pushing teddy bears around in the pram she got me. I don’t like children. I didn’t even like them when I was one… And I don’t remember a whole lot from my childhood apart from all the stuffed animals, wondering why my parents wouldn’t buy me an Action Man and dressing up in my mums wedding dress then pretending that I’d ran away from my wedding to join the mafia. I don’t think I was very good at being a child and I have no interest whatsoever in raising one.

My mum always said I’d get over it. She said I’d change my mind when I met the right man… I never understood that. And although meeting my exboyfriend/boyfriend/whatever did change my mind about wanting to get married (although maybe I would have jilted him and entered a life of crime, we’ll never know) I never changed my opinion on kids. In fact, he has a kid already and if anything that just put me off more. Anyway, after seeing how terribly I still react to babies and children in my mid-twenties, when my friends are all getting broody (or up the duff), my mum’s given up hope. She’s accepted that motherhood just isn’t for me; although I suspect part of her still hopes I’ll have a miraculous turnaround.

Now, I’m not like the wicked step mother that my ex boyfriend/boyfriend/what-the-fuck-is-he sometimes like to make out. I’m hideously awkward with kids and will do what I can to avoid them, but I’m certainly not cruel or nasty (however, if you’re a stranger and your child bothers me and I’m not in a rare benevolent mood, I will tell them to go away and make horrible faces at them if they don’t leave me alone immediately). Kids just aren’t for me and that’s that. My friends can accept it, my friends with kids can accept it, my family can accept it… why does it bother people who’s life I am not a part of? Please tell me, angry strangers, why does it effect you? I may also point out that nobody gives a man any grief for having the same attitude toward kids.

Today in work my boss was complaining about not getting any sleep since baby #2 came along. I shook my head and stated that I’ll never understand why people choose to have children (not that baby #2 was a choice, I remember the look on his face the day he told us they were expecting. The look of a broken man regretting the old line ‘but I can’t feel anything when I’m wearing one!’). My colleague, who doesn’t have any children herself at the age of 50 apparently by choice, took issue with this. First she said “Well, if your mum and dad hadn’t decided to have you, you wouldn’t exist.”


What’s your point?

Then she told me that there’s lots of reasons people decide to have children:

  1. Because they love children
  2. Having children enriches their lives
  3. To carry on the human race

Wait, what? Couples actually decide to pop out a sprog just in case there aren’t enough humans around already? Hmm not so sure about that one. Yes, of course there’s a biological drive there to reproduce, but I really believe we’re past all of that. If we were simply giving in to our natural instincts then we’d be pregnant every time we’re horny ffs. And why haven’t I, and many other people, got that instinct? No, I believe these days we’re more programmed by society than biology. Anyway I accept that people do want children, and for the reasons above. Most people like kids. Most people want to raise a little clone of themselves. It brings people joy and enrichment along with sleepless nights and shitty nappies. I accept it, but I can’t understand it. I can’t empathise with my friend who chose to give up sunday morning lie ins, afternoon naps, money to spend on herself, holidays where all she’s responsible for is her bar tab, for 4am starts, cycles of sickness (when one gets sick, everybody gets sick), holidays more stressful than staying at home, working a full time job to pay 80% of her wages out to the child minder. I can’t understand it! But that’s what she wanted, that’s what works for her and I accept that. I don’t question her choices, she doesn’t question mine. So why the fuck did my colleague need to argue with me and tell me that I’ll change my mind? The same old “oh I knew somebody who was just like you! And now she has THREE kids!”.

Oh, really? Fuck me! That’s the first time anybody’s ever told me that. This changes everything! Obviously, there are no women in the world who do not have children through choice. How silly of me!

Fucking idiotic. Yes, of course I may change my mind. I might also change my mind about never going to work on a cruise ship, but I don’t hear you arguing with that?? Then the guy in our office says that he doesn’t like kids but he ‘supposes he’ll have them one day to carry on his seed and that’. She didn’t bat an eyelid at that. So, me? I’m stupid to acknowledge that I’m selfish, irresponsible and hate taking care of things therefore should not become a mother to please somebody else, cause I might change my mind (I’ll also require a total personality transplant to successfully raise anything to be mentally stable)! But a man can be totally apathetic towards fatherhood, choosing to reproduce only out of pride and ego, to carry on his ‘legend’ and that’s just totally fine. ‘Cause you know the way men and women have completely different brains and feelings and all that.

A grown woman recently told me that ‘you can’t know what love is until you have your own child’. I know a lady who can’t have children (and chose to tell people that her and her husband just never wanted any) and it breaks my heart to think that there are people out there spouting irresponsible shit like that to people vulnerable enough to believe it. To think that this lady, who really did want kids, has had to listen to the same rants as me and be told time and time again that ‘I knew a woman just like you’ and ‘you’ll change your mind!’, it’s shocking. And it only ever comes from other women. A man has never openly passed judgement on me for not wanting children.

So, ladies who think you’re better than me for having or wanting to have children, and my friend’s middle aged cousin in particular, who started a fight with me at a hen do for not wanting kids because one of her sister’s kids died (?!), get off your high horse and go eat a dick.

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I actually typed up this post about an hour ago and it became so negative I had a massive cry. Which was rather cathartic – I think I needed it. But for all our sakes I’ve revised it and tried to focus on the positives, so here goes:

I came across this text a couple of weeks ago and thought it was fantastic advice. Since then I’ve been paying attention to how the people and the events in my life make me feel and it’s wonderful to come away from spending time with somebody and acknowledging a feeling of contentment, or even excitement (and to actually mean it when you say “let’s do this again some time!”). But it goes the other way too. Sometimes I notice that somebody who maybe used to make me feel good, now leaves me feeling drained and pessimistic. It’s times like that I’d rather just bury my head in the sand…

Since taking note of the people and places that make me happier, it’s easier to actively make plans with them and set aside a bit of time and money to spend doing the things that put a genuine smile on my face – you know, one that lasts for a while even after you’ve gone home. But what to do about the people that don’t leave you feeling so good?

I’m turning 25 next month, with most of my friends around the same age. As we’re all trying to find a balance between our job, social life, family, relationships and some alone time too, it takes a lot of effort for us all to keep in contact with each other. Also, with our lives all going in different directions, we sometimes don’t have as much in common as we used to. One thing though. that every single one of us is experiencing, is the doubt, the uncertainty, the fear and the melancholy that comes with your twenties. As comforting as it is to know that we’re not alone in this, it can be a problem when it too often becomes the only easy conversation to have with one another.

Sure, smetimes we can laugh about it and walk away feeling a little lighter, but sometimes we don’t have the energy to laugh at the world. Sometimes we’re just tired and emotional and can’t say all of the things that we’re feeling – just acknowledge that life isn’t always easy and we’re not really all that happy a lot of the time. Now I have no problem with anybody pouring their heart out to me – I couldn’t possibly, because (as you may have noticed) I’m a fountain of negativity myself – but on days when it takes almost all of your energy to put a smile on your own face, it’s hard to find enough to put a smile on somebody else’s too. So, I am incredibly conscious right now of the impact I’m having on the people in my life. How do I make them feel? What can I do to repay the people that build me up? How can I make it up to the people who I deflate? I find myself carrying around a lot of guilt and putting off my atonement until tomorrow, or the weekend, or next week… Then in the blink of an eye (and whine of morning-alarm-clock) another week has passed and I’ve done nothing to improve on anything.

As I type it occurs to me that these things I’m worrying about would never cross the minds of some. We all concern ourselves with different things… Sometimes I look at people fretting over stuff that I couldn’t possibly ever bring myself to give two shits about. I wonder how they can care. How they can waste the energy on it. They would probably wonder the same about me if they read the shite I post on here, about the things that plague my mind. And that’s part of the problem – we’re all so different. It can take a hell of a lot of effort to figure out how to deal with each other and I just don’t have the energy right now, as I find myself spending time with people who leave me feeling tired and irritated.

For example, I have a friend who’s going through a tough time and her attitude to this makes her difficult to be around right now. The things that I would usually do to help (be a shoulder to cry on, talk things over, try to make sense of things, a night in with junk food, a night out for drinks), aren’t working. I do want to be there for her and be supportive but the selfish side of me struggles to make the effort when she doesn’t recognise what I, or anybody else, are trying to do for her. But I can’t be one of those assholes who only bothers with people who can offer them something. My friends are worth the effort and I’m lucky to have them so I just gotta suck it up. I’ll keep trying to cheer her up, or at least just remind her that I’m here to listen to her tale of woe over a cup of tea and family sized bar of chocolate.

Ultimately, I guess we are responsible for our own happiness (boke – such a cheesy quote and I hate it (but true fs)). If I do my best to be good to the people I care about, I won’t carry this guilt. If I get off my ass and get out to the places I love, I’ll be more energised. If I make the effort to see the people who get me, I’ll not hate myself so much of the time. And if I continue to call out the assholes in work who think they can land me in trouble, they’ll think twice before trying to use me as a scapegoat.

*This is where I cut out a bunch of super depressing stuff so I’m gonna throw in a bit of positivity instead, for my mental well-being*

The things lately that have left me feeling fabulous are:

  • Dressing up with a friend to attend a fashion show at the Galgorm
  • Taking a walk in the sun in a park full of squirrels
  • Seeing the leaves turn orange
  • Listening to new music (especially in the mornings on the way to work)
  • Finding a new show on Netflix (Hot Wet American Summer or something? Hilarious!)
  • Booking a night in The Merchant Hotel for my birthday in a few weeks
  • Buying a fucking fantastic pair of shoes on my credit card. I may be poor but damn I’m stylish.
  • Eating sweet potato fries
  • Taking time off work to go for walks in parks full of trees that are raining little crisp orange leaves
  • Going to Co Couture in Belfast for the most delicious hot chocolate and reading Anna Karenina. The most blissful alone time in a long time
  • Calling out the grown men in work who act like little bitches and watching them shit their pants and start being super nice to me
  • Wearing new lipstick (dark purple, ofc)
  • A Michelin star lunch date in Ox, Belfast, followed my shoe shopping with my most fashionable friend
  • Trying out a new hipster coffee shop with my mum
  • Seeing improvements every week at Muay Thai. I fucking love kicking stuff.
  • Meeting new people
  • Planning a trip to Paris
  • Going to the very first showing I could find of the new Guillermo del Toro movie cause I’ve been waiting on it for months! (It did not disappoint)
  • Taking the time to stop and look around, even take some pictures of the places I usually take for granted

Now I’m going to continue wasting my Sunday in bed, because it’s warm and quiet in here and I have WiFi.

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The 5th of October? Seriously? Time flies…

I was meaning to write a post all last week but I didn’t know where to start! Everytime I began writing about something I ended up going in a completely different direction and when I tried to get my thoughts straight I just got very, very sleepy. I spent a disgusting amount of time in bed last week (I have an excuse though – I’ve been sick! Promise!). Anyway, lovely wordpress world, I’ve finally ended up writing this in work. I hope it finds you all well and good, and not afflicted with this bastard chest infection that everybody over my neck of the woods seems to be passing around. I haven’t been able to workout in over a week and it’s driving me MAD! On top of that I’m going to be totally skint this week as I took last Monday and Tuesday off work. I had completely lost my voice so at least my boss couldn’t suspect me of skiving as I croaked and whispered down the phone that I wouldn’t be coming to work… I have a feeling lately that he really doesn’t like me. I really don’t care though – he’s a passive-aggressive little bitch.

So on Monday I really was too poorly for work. I’d had a busy weekend (a great one at that) but by Sunday night it had completely floored me and my voice had packed it’s bags and left. Although once I got over the ‘teenage-boy-whose-voice-is-breaking-into-Barry-White’ phase, I sounded more like the Queen that is Stevie Nicks and now I miss my sexy, 40-a-day habit voice! On Tuesday though, like, I was still sick, but I could have made it into work, if I’d wanted to. I got up at 6.30am and turned the shower on and everything – full of good intentions! But then I just walked around the house talking myself out of going. It was looking to be another rare and beautiful sunny day and the thought of going to work when I could go for a walk and a hot chocolate instead was just soul destroying. I knew I’d end up skint this week and I felt guilty as fuck for a few hours, but once I was outside enjoying this glorious Indian summer we’ve been having, I thought, fuck the money, this is worth it. Case in point – I really can’t stand my job lately.

There isn’t even a full time job here for me at the minute. I spend everyday doing puzzles on my computer, reading blogs, looking at food on Pinterest… Seriously. I need to leave before they check my internet history. People I liked working with before are starting to grate on me… and I’m starting to show it. I have to wear lilac (boke) and listen to radio 2 every single day. Oh by the way I totally know what a spoilt, superficial bitch I sound like right now, complaining about my cushy 9-5 where I don’t do any work… but it’s just sucking the soul right out of me. I sit in this dusty little box of an office all day, all week, with people I have nothing in common with, dealing with customers who truly are simpletons – and I’m not exaggerating there. Here is an email from a legitimate business:

Have use send stuff down to B/E in a taxi today are last night.

That is the entirety of the email. No greeting, no sign off, no subject line (for context, B/E is another business we deal with). I mean, what the fuck? Even ‘yous’, which is not a word, would have been better than ‘use’. And ‘are’ instead of ‘or’? The fuck?


Luckily I still have some holidays to take. I’ll book a few days off to make the most of the wonderful month of October! I’m taking the day before my birthday off to stay in Belfast’s finest – The Merchant Hotel; Then I’m jetting off to Budapest at the end of November. Thinking of my weekends and days off are all that’s getting me through at the minute. Day dreams and memories of walks in the park, feeding squirrels and crunching orange leaves, looking for conkers. Shopping for hats and scarves and new boots then going to the prettiest cafés for hot chocolate. Nights in watching American Horror Story and Walking Dead, cuddling someone I love and splitting a bottle of red… October, you rule. Now don’t get me wrong. – the sunshine the past couple of weeks has been a blessing, but I can’t say that I was unhappy to see today turn dark and blustery. Autumn is my spring – it’s full of change and new beginnings and excitement! In autumn I feel like I’ve got everything ahead of me! Better than that, it’s finally ok to start dressing like a (super stylish) witch again. All black everything baby. It’s given me the inspiration I needed (probably just sugar rushes from all the hot chocolate) to start working on my social media again and apply for the kinds of jobs I might actually enjoy doing. I feel determined now to get out of this hell hole of an office in the new year. Well, I’m not sure it’s determination, more like desperation. On that note, does anybody wanna pay me to update social media, pin on Pinterest and complain about stuff in blog posts all day? I’m like, really good at it.

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