Images via Cafe ApostropheA Nameless GalaxyThen Let It BeDylan BurtModern Hepburn79 Ideas@VandidemRadostina@inglelandi

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How do you love?

This isn’t how I love – quietly, from a distance.

I love by waking up beside you in the middle of the night and immediately pulling you close. By running my hands over your body in appreciation of every part of you. By rubbing your feet with mine under the covers, because I know it makes you smile. By making all my best plans with you, by saving my spare time for you, by sitting peacefully beside you in the evening then staying up far too late listening to your thoughts in the darkness, always learning something new, in awe of how your mind works. I tell you about every little part of my day that you might find the smallest amusement or intrigue in. I place my entire body on top of yours and wrap myself around you, accidentally tangle you in my hair and breathe you in. I hold your hand, I eat with you, I share with you, I think of you, I endeavor to understand you. My fingers trace your tattoos, my lips trace your collar bone.

I can’t love you over the phone. I can’t give you all of me in one night. What do you want me for, if it’s not my love? There is better company, more beauty, less complicated minds for you – but no deeper love. That is what I offer, why am I here if you don’t want it?
It’s not enough for me to be your Saturday night. I want to be there for it all – and you don’t have the time to let me.
How can you say you miss me then shoot me down?
How can you say you love me and go days choosing not to contact me at all?
How is this enough for you now?
All these promises of next week, next year, one day… they keep me rooted here. How long until you have the time for the way I love?

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I’m taking a little holiday!!

I’m leaving in the middle of the night to jet to Budapest for the weekend. Of course, my trip won’t be anywhere near as stylish as this blog post, but a girl can dream.

I’m going with a girlfriend and we’re planning on relaxing at the Hungarian baths, drinking hot chocolate in ridiculously ornate cafés, lunching at a Michelin star restaurant on Saturday and looking hipster in the ‘ruin bars’. I’m excited! Especially since I bought a new leopard print coat to wear around the city and pretend I’m chic!

But first I’m heading to the Christmas market in Belfast for a bratwurst with my dad, who leaves tomorrow to work abroad for 6 weeks. I’m not feeling particularly festive this year but I’m always in the mood for any kind of hot dog (not so chic…)!




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Sympathy Pains


They say laughter is infectious, but so are tears. How can you watch somebody’s heart breaking without feeling a pang in your own? 

My granny passed away pretty unexpectedly earlier this year, and my poor mummy is still grieving for her own mum. She stayed strong for the family, her dad especially, but now that things have calmed down a little, it’s like it’s really hit her.

Maybe it’s just as we’re coming into christmas or maybe it’s just gotten too much for her, but she is so sad. I look at her and I feel ridiculous for how I cried over the breakup this summer, because she’s lost someone who loved her unconditionally all her life – her heart really is broken. 

I wish we could do something to help. I just want the whole world to put it’s arms around her, listen to her, tell her it’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to go to bed and hide in a dream for a few days. It’s ok to just stop for a while – do not feel guilty. Just feel. 

We’re both melancholy souls, my mum & I, so I know how she’s feeling. I know that all she wants is to spend a week locked away from everybody else, with nobody else to think about, nothing to consider, no responsibilities and just sleep and be silent. But we can’t give her that – no matter what we say or do for her she will never be able to be that selfish. She is always considering other people and looking after them. She’s so tired from it all but she never stops. 

When you love somebody you wish that you could take all their pain away, at any cost. It’s hard to watch others hurting, especially when there’s very little you can do to help. 

I just gotta be there to give her hugs and hot chocolate. I guess none of us are ever safe from heartbreak. 

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Last time I blogged about him, I wrote that things were going stale between us. My birthday is coming up and to celebrate we booked a night in The Merchant (weeks ago, when things were looking a little brighter). The past couple of weeks, as our hotel-date was nearing, I was feeling really disappointed that I wasn’t actually staying there alone. All I wanted to do was lie on a giant bed, in some new lingerie, with a glass of wine, a book, WiFi, maybe have a bath and eat some chocolate. What I really didn’t want, was the two of us sitting on the bed together, feeling awkward and sad…

He had plans with his friends last weekend so I didn’t see him at all and didn’t text him, ’cause I’m tired of chasing him. So it was 5 whole days before he got in touch. It made me feel like shit and I was dreading our night in the Merchant. We had plans for Thursday night so on Wednesday I simply text him to say “Let’s try and have fun tomorrow night – things have been a bit weird the last couple of times we seen each other.” My heart sank at his reply:

“I feel like we’re drifting apart tbh. We barely see each other and when we do it’s not like it was before.”

After asking for me back, was he seriously doing this to me again? I couldn’t even be angry at him, I was just disappointed in myself for letting this happen. I knew the odds were against us and I just had to try anyway. But he went on to tell me that he hadn’t changed his mind about us, he’s trying to fit me in as much as he can and he finds it ‘weird’ to be affectionate as we’re not really in a relationship yet. Note the word yet – at least that’s positive I guess. He said it just doesn’t feel natural yet.

Honestly, I am so done trying to understand him. I don’t fucking get him, at all, one little bit. My friend and I tried to analyse the situation over tea and cake. We usually set the world to the rights when we’re together! We think we have everybody sussed! But we came up with nothing. He’s an enigma, to put it nicely. Anyway, I left things at that. I didn’t even wanna talk about it. I didn’t want him to say any more and I knew there was no conclusion to reach by discussing it. We were at an impasse. Neither of us had the answer.

The next day it flitted through my mind like a dream when you’re only half asleep. I’d completely forget and then it would appear again. We were to see each other that night and I was not prepared to give up my evening for an awkward encounter that makes me feel unwanted and unloved. I mean, I could’ve been at the gym feeling like a bad ass! So I had a thought… If I want affection, fun, laughs, kisses, comfort, maybe I just have to take it? Just fucking demand it. Stop letting him make me feel that way. As soon as I thought of it I dismissed it – why should I have to take it? Why should have to put so much effort into this and let him away with just going with the flow? He was the one who asked me back – surely he should be treating me like a fucking Queen?!

But that wasn’t an option. I can’t control him. I can’t make him give me what I want; I can’t sit back and just let happiness come to me. I decided to take it. I wasn’t gonna just stand by and do nothing and let this die – I choose to be the defibrillator to our relationship. I showed up on Thursday night and brought him pumpkin pie (I made a fucking pumpkin pie! #wifeymaterial) and I grabbed him and kissed him hard. I stayed upbeat and happy, I didn’t allow any awkward silences, I joked, I held his hand, I was playful. And he responded. FINALLY! 

Just like that, we were back to being us again. And he genuinely seemed just as thankful for it as I was. *Sidenote – I know I start far too many sentences with ‘and’ – sorry for my poor writing, that’s just how things sound in my head :/ *

So the last few days have been much better and honestly, I’m really looking forward to our night away now (but very much not looking forward to turning 25). It’s a huge relief! I’m glad I didn’t let my stubbornness stop me from making the effort. I wish I could understand why he didn’t do it for me (for us), but at least I know if things still fizzle out, it’s not because I stood by and let them. I have plenty of flaws, but he’ll never be able to walk away from me saying that I didn’t fight for him. That’s one promise I never broke.

Anyway, I hope you all had a spooky Hallowe’en! 1st November! Let the countdown to Christmas begin :/
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