Defibrillator

Last time I blogged about him, I wrote that things were going stale between us. My birthday is coming up and to celebrate we booked a night in The Merchant (weeks ago, when things were looking a little brighter). The past couple of weeks, as our hotel-date was nearing, I was feeling really disappointed that I wasn’t actually staying there alone. All I wanted to do was lie on a giant bed, in some new lingerie, with a glass of wine, a book, WiFi, maybe have a bath and eat some chocolate. What I really didn’t want, was the two of us sitting on the bed together, feeling awkward and sad…

He had plans with his friends last weekend so I didn’t see him at all and didn’t text him, ’cause I’m tired of chasing him. So it was 5 whole days before he got in touch. It made me feel like shit and I was dreading our night in the Merchant. We had plans for Thursday night so on Wednesday I simply text him to say “Let’s try and have fun tomorrow night – things have been a bit weird the last couple of times we seen each other.” My heart sank at his reply:

“I feel like we’re drifting apart tbh. We barely see each other and when we do it’s not like it was before.”

After asking for me back, was he seriously doing this to me again? I couldn’t even be angry at him, I was just disappointed in myself for letting this happen. I knew the odds were against us and I just had to try anyway. But he went on to tell me that he hadn’t changed his mind about us, he’s trying to fit me in as much as he can and he finds it ‘weird’ to be affectionate as we’re not really in a relationship yet. Note the word yet – at least that’s positive I guess. He said it just doesn’t feel natural yet.

Honestly, I am so done trying to understand him. I don’t fucking get him, at all, one little bit. My friend and I tried to analyse the situation over tea and cake. We usually set the world to the rights when we’re together! We think we have everybody sussed! But we came up with nothing. He’s an enigma, to put it nicely. Anyway, I left things at that. I didn’t even wanna talk about it. I didn’t want him to say any more and I knew there was no conclusion to reach by discussing it. We were at an impasse. Neither of us had the answer.

The next day it flitted through my mind like a dream when you’re only half asleep. I’d completely forget and then it would appear again. We were to see each other that night and I was not prepared to give up my evening for an awkward encounter that makes me feel unwanted and unloved. I mean, I could’ve been at the gym feeling like a bad ass! So I had a thought… If I want affection, fun, laughs, kisses, comfort, maybe I just have to take it? Just fucking demand it. Stop letting him make me feel that way. As soon as I thought of it I dismissed it – why should I have to take it? Why should have to put so much effort into this and let him away with just going with the flow? He was the one who asked me back – surely he should be treating me like a fucking Queen?!

But that wasn’t an option. I can’t control him. I can’t make him give me what I want; I can’t sit back and just let happiness come to me. I decided to take it. I wasn’t gonna just stand by and do nothing and let this die – I choose to be the defibrillator to our relationship. I showed up on Thursday night and brought him pumpkin pie (I made a fucking pumpkin pie! #wifeymaterial) and I grabbed him and kissed him hard. I stayed upbeat and happy, I didn’t allow any awkward silences, I joked, I held his hand, I was playful. And he responded. FINALLY! 

Just like that, we were back to being us again. And he genuinely seemed just as thankful for it as I was. *Sidenote – I know I start far too many sentences with ‘and’ – sorry for my poor writing, that’s just how things sound in my head :/ *

So the last few days have been much better and honestly, I’m really looking forward to our night away now (but very much not looking forward to turning 25). It’s a huge relief! I’m glad I didn’t let my stubbornness stop me from making the effort. I wish I could understand why he didn’t do it for me (for us), but at least I know if things still fizzle out, it’s not because I stood by and let them. I have plenty of flaws, but he’ll never be able to walk away from me saying that I didn’t fight for him. That’s one promise I never broke.

Anyway, I hope you all had a spooky Hallowe’en! 1st November! Let the countdown to Christmas begin :/
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