I’m not very good at this make up stuff. I mean, I thought I looked bomb the other week but when I took a photo it looked like I’d spent 0.3 seconds putting my face on. I don’t know how these girls on Instagram create a bloody work of art on themselves every day and make it look so damn easy too. I’ve pretty much accepted defeat… I’m over the make up trend. I’m far too low maintenance to even suit it and I’m definitely not glamorous. So I kinda figured that if I can’t have the dramatic glamour that comes along with a perfect cat eye and blinding highlight, I should strive for the french girl, natural, model-off-duty kind of beauty, which suits my lazy lifestyle down to a tee. I’ve stopped wearing makeup 90% of the time BUT only ONE problem – I look like shit. Kinda like I’m sick, or maybe a junkie, but also kinda like I’m tired of everybody’s shit and ready to choke someone at any moment. Alors, I have started to obsess over skincare! This lazy bitch has got herself a bona-fide skincare routine, morning AND night. I mean, it’s pretty minimal… but it’s a start! And since I have no work to do in my excuse for a job, I’m constantly researching and making wishlists of what I can buy next – on a quest for the miracle product that will finally rid me of my insanely dark circles (that give me the ‘may have murdered before’ look) or plump my lips ‘naturally’. Next on my list is a derma roller, with which I will puncture my skin repeatedly with tiny needles 😀 Fun, eh? I guess not exactly what I’d call natural…

Even still, I can’t keep up with everything I’m meant to be doing… body brushing, derma rolling, taking a million supplements, oils, serums, masks, Egyptian cotton sheets, don’t look down at my phone too much (gives you a double chin), don’t squint, regular facials, Korean products, SPF – always, sunglasses – always, ‘miracle’ products vs all natural??? Diet, water, face massages………..

I guess if you’re a model this level of maintenance is just part of your job. But, this face def ain’t no money maker sooooo… just remembering to cleanse, tone and moisturise (like fuck) is enough for me right now.

Another thing that I am literally LOSING SLEEP over is my body. I still work out a lot but I’ve changed the way I train and it shows. I’m not as toned or as muscly as I used to be. I’m staying up at night thinking ‘I must start doing these exercises, and I have to buy some weights, and I can’t eat any more of this, and I have to start drinking more of that’. I KNOW it’s stupid and yet I still genuinely think I’d be a happier person if I had thighs strong enough to crush a man and a 6pack. I’d say I’m pathetic but I know I’m not the only one…

I can’t remember when I started to obsess over my looks this way… When did I become so aware of myself? Thinking back to childhood, I remember playing at the park with some girl friends when one of them showed me how to tie my top into a bra/crop top thing, when some older boys appeared to play football. We were children. Wtf. I remember that same girl teaching me both how to and that I should roll my skirt up, in the toilets before school started. I wonder where she learned that… I think that was when I started to worry about my thighs. I think I probably only ever saw them with relaxed muscle all splayed out below me on my little school chair. I didn’t look at myself in mirrors at that age (who does?) so this was likely the only perspective I had. And even then, I was only looking at them because I was under the impression that boys were looking too! Looking back I realise they were more likely to have been playing with their Pokemon cards than comparing 9 year olds’ legs. Still, I was only in primary school and I was worried I wasn’t ‘sexy’ enough :/ So not cool.

And this was the beginning of a looooong conflict between my legs and I. I kept those chubby bastards completely hidden from the world FOR YEARS. I never wore a dress. I never wore shorts. I never wore a swimming costume. I wore tights every single day with my school uniform, no matter how hot it was on that damn sweaty school bus in the Summer. You wanna wobble and spread out to the size of a continent EVERY time I sit down? Fine, YOU’LL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN! This continued right up until I left school. Always worried that my legs were too fat, untoned, too pale… just not ‘right’. And certainly not sexy. It wasn’t very nice to feel that way all the time. I also began to worry about my small boobs and I hated my smile. Actually, I’m still not a fan of showing my teeth. BUT, I don’t shy away from photographs the way I used to. I love a good selfie, I like getting my legs out and I now embrace my B-cups and the fact that they allow me to freeboob* like, all the time.

However, this may be only a small victory over body image, as these days I’m worried about the following:

Abs, Belly rolls, thigh gap, chubby knees, cankles, teeth, eyebrows, bad posture, thick waist, no shape, thin lips, small bum, unsymmetrical face, love handles, wrinkles, anything that wobbles, arms/legs being too skinny, hamstrings, bingo wings…

It’s insane. How the hell do I find the time and/or energy to think about all this shit? How did I get so VAIN!? It’s exhausting! And it’s doubtful that I’ll ever be 100% happy with how I look, or even close to it, but surely I can’t go through my whole life this way? It’s gotta stop someday, right? Or maybe I gotta wait til I’m an OAP before I stop caring about being ‘sexy’ enough.

I know this post is all ME ME ME but I don’t mean it to be that way… I mean it to be about all of us, because I know most girls have gone through/are going through the exact same thing. And plenty of guys too, I’m sure. So many of us are all in competition with each other. Spending FAR too much of our time envying other peoples’ bodies. Spending FAR too much money on the gym, protein bars, fat burners, fitness classes. Spending too much energy on getting the perfect lighting for a selfie that simultaneously makes us feel sexy and empowered and vulnerable and stressed out… Even when I try my hardest to embrace and promote the body positivity movement and self love, for me, those things are STILL about feeling sexy. The end goal for me in accepting my body as it is and learning to love it, is not ‘inner peace’ – it’s finally feeling sexy! Sex is at the heart of 90% of the things I think and the things I want. I know it and I can’t even fight it, it’s so deeply ingrained. Maybe that part doesn’t apply to the majority… or maybe it does, and we’re all just too brainwashed to step back and see it? IDK, I’m rambling now.. I don’t really know what this post is about anymore, I think I’m just saying stuff.

CLOSING THOUGHTS: Are we ever gonna stop considering ‘sexy’ as one of the most valuable things a person can be? Will we ever stop exposing kids to this damaging shit? Will we ever stop saturating the media with sex?

And, more importantly, will I ever get abs?!!

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*Fuck underwiring.