Stiff Upper Lip

 

So it’s been quite a while since I posted. I’m making a conscious effort to be a bit more positive and chilled out, and considering my blog posts are usually inspired by anger/frustration/misery/insert-negative-emotion-here, I thought it better not to vent publicly. Truth is, I’m still very bitter & wounded from my heartbreak (I was a moody bitch before so just imagine how cynical I am now!) but I don’t want people to see me that way. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not running around grinning and exuding rainbows and shitting candyfloss… I mean even if I wanted to I’d never be able to shift this bitch-face or dry sense of humour, but I just want the world to think that I’ve picked myself up and carried on. Because I kind of have… I’m not giving in to the tears or temper tantrums. When I feel it all building up, instead of completely losing my shit I’ll send a friend some rant-y texts, apologise for said rant and get an early night. I’ll try to keep myself busy the next day until the rage subsides (yes those are delirium lyrics *In this white wave, I am sinking, in this siiiiiilence* Good tune).

You guys already know how paradoxical I am. So although I totally back the whole self love ‘movement’ (is it a movement? What defines a movement? The amount of people hashtagging it?), I struggle with it on a personal level. In the same way that I’m battling my own internalized sexism in my feminist awakening, I’m tackling the self-deprecation that’s really instilled in the British & Irish. We are definitely not taught to love ourselves. It causes problems on a national scale, including a mental health crisis (because we cannot talk about our emotions no no… stiff upper lip and all that!) but also something that I’m sure deeply affects every one of us… Not having any idea how to fucking sell ourselves in a job interview.

Interviewer: And what would you consider your strengths to be?

Me: Well, I’m kind of good at this and I once did that kind of well…

Interviewer: And your weaknesses?

Me: Oh god, where do I start? I’m always late, apathetic toward my work, lazy, hate responsibility, moody, short attention span…

Interviewer: Please stop

Me: I yawn a lot, I need to eat at least every 2 hours, constantly on my phone…

Interviwer: Please

Me: I’m sarcastic, can’t do simple maths, have jealousy issues, oh and I pull sickies at least 4 times a year.

Interviewer: We’ll be in touch

We are definitely not taught to love ourselves, look after ourselves or take time for ourselves. No, because that is self-indulgent and JESUS DOESN’T LIKE IT. Hell, if I had a quid for every time I’ve been called selfish… And being even slightly selfish, vain or egotistical is like one of the worst things a person can be. Better to be unhappy, unhealthy and unfulfilled than be accused of being self-centered. But fuck it. I am selfish. I love working on myself, what a fucking sin, right?

And this is exactly what I mean! When faced with (or apparently even just thinking about) the kind of people who think that looking after yourself is a bad thing, or somebody who isn’t selfish enough and is miserable because of it, it’s easy for me to get on my soapbox and preach the glory of self love! Yet, I have so many days and nights where I feel absolutely worthless because of what other people (one person) thinks (or doesn’t think) of me. Like half my brain is totally tuned in and yes we love ourself and fuck everyone else ’cause we’re totally killing it!!! And the other half is asleep/stoned/paralyzed and just kind of flopping about in there like ‘what now? What are we doing? I’m just gonna go lie in this dark corner OK? You got any ice cream?’. It’s probably the side that’s supposed to do maths. Fuck maths.

But, hey, I’m trying. Like I’ve said in an early blog post, I hold out hope for my thirties, on the sage advice of my lovely mum. Maybe if I try to start loving myself now I’ll have it figured out in 5-10 years! I’ll get a few comfortable years in before I start lamenting my youth and having a mid life crisis…

You can really tell I’m trying to be more positive, right?

 

No for real though, I do think it’s working. And I do think it’s really important for everybody, in terms of your relationship with yourself and with other people. If you are totally drained you can’t give other people what they need – love, empathy, a shoulder to cry on, whatever it may be. When we don’t look after ourselves we become exhausted and uncaring, and usually feel guilty about it to boot! I want it to be socially acceptable and even encouraged for people to take a step back from their life, their drama, partner, friends, family, job, all of it, to take a breath and step back into the ring with a second wind – without carrying a tonne of guilt with them!

So. I’m trying not to be so hard on myself, trying not to be so negative & doing things that make me happy! And since my relationship has very much taken a backseat in my day-to-day life, I can say with certainty that everything I do now is for me. And that’s how I want it. That’s maybe not how it has to be for everybody, but considering the way in which I lost myself in my relationship and subsequent heartbreak, it’s what’s right for me, right now. I’m eating right (trying to), I’m working out, I’m trying new things, booking trips with friends, I’m starting a new job & eventually I want my own place. Even if things work out with him, I think it’s important for me to have my own place, at least for a while. As scary as it is to be out on my own, I want to be that girl, who can be on her own. So I’m faking it til I make it… I’m suppressing all the stress I get over things I can’t control and I’m suffocating the bastard ’til it gets the fucking point.

Bad days – I am tougher than you. Lonely nights – You’re getting the cold shoulder. Self-loathing – I will punch you in the goddamn throat.

Who knows, maybe I’ll be preaching love and peace by the time I’m thirty. Namaste, bitches.

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Don’t call it a comeback

  
So I’ve been AWOL for a whole MONTH! But it’s cool – cause I’ve been productive *looks proud*. Well, in-between watching Celeb BB & Making a Murderer (Tiffany to win & I think Steven Avery is innocent).Now, I’m a little too superstitious (I salute every time I see a Magpie) and also therefore too scared to say that 2016 is going well… but come to think of it January hasn’t really been as perfect as I feel. I suppose I’m just a lot more optimistic about this year. So yeah I guess January had it’s ups and downs but I’m looking at it more as a trial month… Like a first draft! February will be better and hopefully March even better still. 

Ups:

1. Passing an interview for a new job!
2. Finding out that first intake for the job is March so I may only have to last another month in that soul-sucking office.
3. Passing a month with him relatively argument free (by our standards, at least).
4. Getting back to yoga.

Downs:

1. Not getting an official offer yet for the new job. I’m getting impatient 😦
2. Having a disciplinary in my current job 🙂 Fuck you, boss 🙂
3. And he got the most adorable, teeny tiny kitten which sadly had to be put down 😦 I think he was just too small. R.I.P Pablo, you were the cutest.
4. Not getting back to cardio

I’ve (very) gradually been getting back to the clean diet and frequent exercise that I so badly need (today I realised my knees have gotten fat. I was feeling lucky that I hadn’t gotten much of a belly after all the shite I’ve been eating but then I found where it’s been going. My knees. Fat fucking knees). But more than for cosmetic reasons I need it for my mental health! It makes a drastic difference honestly. But Feb is my month – I swear (*desperately trying to convince myself*)! In fact, I’m about to order a new blender online for healthy breakfast smoothies! (I keep ordering cheap ones that break after a month. I’m still getting another cheap one though. Who tf has £100 for a nutri-bullet?!)

So I accept my poor diet and exercise choices this month, it’s fine, I’m over it… One thing that I have been beating myself up over though is not having been back to muay thai since Christmas. 

…Beating myself up because I haven’t been there to let anybody else beat me up… is that some kind of irony? I dunno. Nobody really understands irony, I’m convinced.

I dunno what it is I’m just nervous to go back there by myself. A couple of friends kept saying they’d come with me to the beginners class that’s started this month, but they always flake last minute. I guess I don’t really gel with the other girls there. Don’t get me wrong, I really like them and I get along with them just fine. Buuuut, there’s getting along with somebody and getting somebody – you get me?

I tend to shy away a bit when I’m out of my comfort zone around other girls. For some reason I feel I can be myself more around guys but struggle to feel comfortable around girls with bigger personalities than me. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a competition with these girls and I’ve told you before how I do not like to compete! So I basically do the social equivalent of rolling over and playing dead…

 I had the same problem at OTC (officer training corps where I trained with the army during my first couple years at uni). I got along well with all of the girls but only really gelled with a couple of the quieter, less confident girls (who inevitably left). This meant there was a clique of very confident girls with big personalities who developed a strong rapport with the guys and with the officers, which made me feel more isolated, which made me withdraw even more rather than make an effort to join in. They were all great girls, I regret not staying in touch with them but my nerves got the better of me.

And that’s what I feel like again at muay thai! I’m the new girl… Never done any kind of martial arts training before and am very insecure because I’m not doing this for fitness (like most of the other girls), but I actually want to be good at it! And that makes me feel weak. I know I need to just wise the fuck up and go back and get into my routine again but for some reason I feel I need some moral support for just walking in the door for the first time (literally my first time – they got a new door. New premises that I’m not familiar with makes my nerves even worse -_- so illogical).

I’ll try and go this week but we’ll see…

An SBG gym opened up in Belfast and a friend said she would try beginners BJJ (Brazilian jiu jitsu) with me! Now, I’m SUPER nervous to try it (I don’t even like hugging my friends never mind wrapping our bodies around each other in wrestling moves) but as she’ll be just as much a beginner as me, I think it’ll be fine! It’ll be funny, even! Anyway I need some self-defence skills for starting this new job…

I’m sure this is all super boring for anybody reading – I’m just randomly venting about my selective social anxiety! Even with that disciplinary in work – I was shitting myself a little bit, but not because I was in trouble or this might go on my record – purely because I thought it would be SUPER awkward getting a telling off by people I have to work with! (Turns out it was fine. It was super informal and I even scared them a bit as I pointed out the sexism of my bosses which everybody else just passes off as being ‘old-school’)

This post is very all-over-the-place I know. Which I guess is the reason I haven’t sat down to type something up before now – I can’t focus on anything! I have so much on my mind but it’s 80% positive stuff for once! I’m dreaming of Spring and Summer for possibly the first time ever (cause A/W is my jam!) – so that’s weird, but nice! I feel excited! I’m 90% sure I’ve got this job (just waiting on medical & security checks) and it’s like, a real job. With a real wage. And with promotions. I’ll be able to afford actual rent. I’ll be a proper functioning adult! Or at least I’ll have the chance to be one/pretend to be one.
So I guess that’s my big news after a month away. Sorry to bore you but since I really didn’t get anywhere with the first half of my twenties, it’s kind of a big deal.

Everybody praise me.

…

I hope you have all had a good start to 2016 and thank you to anybody who stops by to read my shite! Now everybody please say a little prayer for Pablo 😔 #allcatsgotoheaven

  

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Documentation

I actually typed up this post about an hour ago and it became so negative I had a massive cry. Which was rather cathartic – I think I needed it. But for all our sakes I’ve revised it and tried to focus on the positives, so here goes:

I came across this text a couple of weeks ago and thought it was fantastic advice. Since then I’ve been paying attention to how the people and the events in my life make me feel and it’s wonderful to come away from spending time with somebody and acknowledging a feeling of contentment, or even excitement (and to actually mean it when you say “let’s do this again some time!”). But it goes the other way too. Sometimes I notice that somebody who maybe used to make me feel good, now leaves me feeling drained and pessimistic. It’s times like that I’d rather just bury my head in the sand…

Since taking note of the people and places that make me happier, it’s easier to actively make plans with them and set aside a bit of time and money to spend doing the things that put a genuine smile on my face – you know, one that lasts for a while even after you’ve gone home. But what to do about the people that don’t leave you feeling so good?

I’m turning 25 next month, with most of my friends around the same age. As we’re all trying to find a balance between our job, social life, family, relationships and some alone time too, it takes a lot of effort for us all to keep in contact with each other. Also, with our lives all going in different directions, we sometimes don’t have as much in common as we used to. One thing though. that every single one of us is experiencing, is the doubt, the uncertainty, the fear and the melancholy that comes with your twenties. As comforting as it is to know that we’re not alone in this, it can be a problem when it too often becomes the only easy conversation to have with one another.

Sure, smetimes we can laugh about it and walk away feeling a little lighter, but sometimes we don’t have the energy to laugh at the world. Sometimes we’re just tired and emotional and can’t say all of the things that we’re feeling – just acknowledge that life isn’t always easy and we’re not really all that happy a lot of the time. Now I have no problem with anybody pouring their heart out to me – I couldn’t possibly, because (as you may have noticed) I’m a fountain of negativity myself – but on days when it takes almost all of your energy to put a smile on your own face, it’s hard to find enough to put a smile on somebody else’s too. So, I am incredibly conscious right now of the impact I’m having on the people in my life. How do I make them feel? What can I do to repay the people that build me up? How can I make it up to the people who I deflate? I find myself carrying around a lot of guilt and putting off my atonement until tomorrow, or the weekend, or next week… Then in the blink of an eye (and whine of morning-alarm-clock) another week has passed and I’ve done nothing to improve on anything.

As I type it occurs to me that these things I’m worrying about would never cross the minds of some. We all concern ourselves with different things… Sometimes I look at people fretting over stuff that I couldn’t possibly ever bring myself to give two shits about. I wonder how they can care. How they can waste the energy on it. They would probably wonder the same about me if they read the shite I post on here, about the things that plague my mind. And that’s part of the problem – we’re all so different. It can take a hell of a lot of effort to figure out how to deal with each other and I just don’t have the energy right now, as I find myself spending time with people who leave me feeling tired and irritated.

For example, I have a friend who’s going through a tough time and her attitude to this makes her difficult to be around right now. The things that I would usually do to help (be a shoulder to cry on, talk things over, try to make sense of things, a night in with junk food, a night out for drinks), aren’t working. I do want to be there for her and be supportive but the selfish side of me struggles to make the effort when she doesn’t recognise what I, or anybody else, are trying to do for her. But I can’t be one of those assholes who only bothers with people who can offer them something. My friends are worth the effort and I’m lucky to have them so I just gotta suck it up. I’ll keep trying to cheer her up, or at least just remind her that I’m here to listen to her tale of woe over a cup of tea and family sized bar of chocolate.

Ultimately, I guess we are responsible for our own happiness (boke – such a cheesy quote and I hate it (but true fs)). If I do my best to be good to the people I care about, I won’t carry this guilt. If I get off my ass and get out to the places I love, I’ll be more energised. If I make the effort to see the people who get me, I’ll not hate myself so much of the time. And if I continue to call out the assholes in work who think they can land me in trouble, they’ll think twice before trying to use me as a scapegoat.

*This is where I cut out a bunch of super depressing stuff so I’m gonna throw in a bit of positivity instead, for my mental well-being*

The things lately that have left me feeling fabulous are:

• Dressing up with a friend to attend a fashion show at the Galgorm
• Taking a walk in the sun in a park full of squirrels
• Seeing the leaves turn orange
• Listening to new music (especially in the mornings on the way to work)
• Finding a new show on Netflix (Hot Wet American Summer or something? Hilarious!)
• Booking a night in The Merchant Hotel for my birthday in a few weeks
• Buying a fucking fantastic pair of shoes on my credit card. I may be poor but damn I’m stylish.
• Eating sweet potato fries
• Taking time off work to go for walks in parks full of trees that are raining little crisp orange leaves
• Going to Co Couture in Belfast for the most delicious hot chocolate and reading Anna Karenina. The most blissful alone time in a long time
• Calling out the grown men in work who act like little bitches and watching them shit their pants and start being super nice to me
• Wearing new lipstick (dark purple, ofc)
• A Michelin star lunch date in Ox, Belfast, followed my shoe shopping with my most fashionable friend
• Trying out a new hipster coffee shop with my mum
• Seeing improvements every week at Muay Thai. I fucking love kicking stuff.
• Meeting new people
• Planning a trip to Paris
• Going to the very first showing I could find of the new Guillermo del Toro movie cause I’ve been waiting on it for months! (It did not disappoint)
• Taking the time to stop and look around, even take some pictures of the places I usually take for granted

Now I’m going to continue wasting my Sunday in bed, because it’s warm and quiet in here and I have WiFi.

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Hot Chocolate

“Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall”

– F. Scott Fitzgerald

Well after a shitty summer I am very happy to welcome September!

Autumn is my absolute favourite time of year, here’s a few reasons why:

• Crispy leaves to crunch and kick around
• Nice shiny conkers decorating the streets
• A chill in the air that feels like change
• Officially acceptable to drink hot chocolate everyday
• Wood fires
• Scarves and big jumpers
• Boots and dark lipstick
• American horror story!!!
• Sparklers, fireworks and bonfire night
• Homemade soups and stews
• Cosy nights in with red wine and blankets
• So much colour everywhere you look
• Hot chocolate
• Dark, starry nights
• Hallowe’en!!!
• Fresh air and flushed cheeks
• Toffee apples and pumpkin flavoured everything!
• This is England 90
• Hot drinks on a chilly morning
• Apples and cinnamon
• Candles everywhere
• Hot chocolate
• We’re allowed to start thinking about Xmas!
• Hot cider and mulled wine
• Hand-holding and keep-me-warm cuddles
• Golden mornings
• An extra hour in bed when the clocks go back!
• Onesies and hot water bottles
• Hot chocolate
• My birthday yay!
• Hot chocolate.

Time to stop fake tanning and worrying about a ‘bikini body’ – let operation ‘insulate’ commence!

Images via Tumblr & Nectar and Stone

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Note to self

When you inevitably wake up in the morning with that familiar weight on your chest and tears in your eyes, remember that you caught yourself smiling three times today.

Get out of your head more often – it’s too cruel in there.

Images via Pinterest

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Too much

There’s a blessing in the storm

I wouldn’t call myself an optimistic person, I think of myself as a realist. But sometimes if you don’t search (sometimes really hard) for a silver lining, you’ll just want to give the fuck up.

My family and I have had a rough year so far, with my dad losing his job and then a couple of bereavements, among other things. It truly has been one thing after another and it’s been really hard to look on the bright side… I tried to cheer up my dad by reminding him how lucky it was that he was home to support my mum as my granny passed (he worked abroad). We all coped with our grief by focusing on the fact that it’s brought our family closer together and even ended a feud between some. But for other things, the ‘blessing in the storm’ has yet to reveal itself. It’s not still stormy, but it’s not sunny either… Just kinda grey and dismal.

I tried to tell myself that something good to take from my recent heartbreak was that I will ‘grow’, learn from it and become a better person, a better girlfriend for next time. You know, the usual clichés. My head believes it but this miserable heart of mine doesn’t really feel like there’s any benefit at all. And yet, something is happening…

Focusing on my blog and my Instagram page (a wonderful distraction from a painful reality) has begun to open some doors for me – exciting, beautifully styled doors that I really, really want to go through, in my highest heels no less. I no longer feel obliged to stay in my shitty office job that forces me to wear lilac (*gags*), just to pay the rent. I’m spending time with my friends, I have so many travel opportunities (which I cannot decide between!), I’m not worrying about money for the first time in years (except for when I spend £100 on an outfit just to get covered in beer, whoops)… And last night, I had the time of my life! You know one of those nights that are just so perfect, with the best people, where you feel on top of the world? I couldn’t have had that night if we were still together – despite the fact that I didn’t do anything that any boyfriend should be upset about, he still wouldn’t have been happy about it. Stupidly, today I still feel some guilt over it, but at least I don’t have the fear of him berating me (and threatening to leave me) for it.

There is good in this utter shitstorm, but why doesn’t it feel like it? My head can see it and recognise it and type it down for you lovely readers but my heart still disagrees. I think I would give it all up to have him back… They say we’re all fools in love, well, I am your Queen. Queen fucking idiot.

Everything is just so conflicted right now, I have so much to consider, decisions to make, and my heart doesn’t seem to be on my side! It’s all too much (I admit the hangover doesn’t help). Can I just pay somebody to give me all the answers please? Is that how therapy works? Should I go see a psychic? Can the powers that be please send an epiphany my way? Perhaps a vision in my tub of ice cream?

Anybody else feel like this or am I just a hungover mess? On a side note I do think that I should go raving more often… And drink a little less.

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Girlfriends

Lately I’ve been thinking about soul mates…

As I said a couple of posts ago, “I’m into spiritual shit”. I believe in souls, I believe in soulmates. I believe that you can be in love more than once in life, but there will be ‘the one’, who means more to you than everybody else you’ve ever been with. But in light of recent events, I think that, sadly, when you find ‘the one’, you might not be their one.

It’s only been a couple of months since my breakup so I understand that my feelings may change, but I also feel like I know myself pretty well and I expect that he will always be my one. Although I’ll (hopefully) find love and happiness with someone else, given the choice it will probably always be him. I have an ex, the one who came before him, who told me I was the one. He was not my one, I always knew that. Over 2 years on he has not met anybody else and, when I saw him recently (after barely any contact at all since the breakup), he told me that he will always have feelings for me. He looked at me in a way I hadn’t been looked at in a while… It kills me to think that our breakup may have left him feeling the way I do currently, even just briefly. I wouldn’t wish heartbreak on my worst enemy (and I can be vengeful!).

I used to think that ‘the one’ and your ‘soulmate’ were the same person but as I scroll through Pinterest and Tumblr reading romantic quotes to dwell in my heartache, I’m starting to question that. A soulmate is somebody who knows your soul and accepts you for who you are. They love and support you, they appreciate you, they fight for you, they fight with you, they are there for you no matter what, they don’t try to change you. He didn’t do that for me…

Our relationship had a complicated start, but once we realised we were falling for each other I tried to start things off on the right foot. I was honest with him about my past, my mistakes, misjudgements, regrets. My bad habits, issues, weaknesses. I don’t regret being honest, but it didn’t reward me the way I expected it would. He held all of these things against me. In the end, it came out that he had never trusted me at all because of a mistake I had made years ago, before we even knew each other. He judged me harshly, he criticised me, he didn’t support me through the hard times, he thinks I’m bad. Although, I still believe he loved me, in his own way, in between the criticisms. (Before I paint him as a villian, it’s important to say that he treated me like a queen a lot of the time and I, of course, was not perfect.)

On the other hand, my girlfriends have stuck by me through everything. They have never given up on me no matter what fights we’ve had; never judged me no matter what mistakes I’ve made; never tried to change me and always supported me. What did I do to deserve them? Throughout the breakup, and my consequential break down, they have recognised that I’ve completely lost myself in him. I hate myself because I feel like I am what he thinks I am – bad, untrustworthy, manipulative, controlling, despite how hard I try to be good! My friends have been trying to build me up, telling me he’s crazy. I don’t know who to believe, but either way, I am so damn lucky to have them fighting my corner. Holding me up and holding my hand.

Many of us will be familiar with this quote from Sex and the City:

Maybe our girlfriends are our soul mates and guys are just people to have fun with.

I think Carrie may be on to something. He will always be my ‘one’, but my friends are the ones who have lived through ALL of my bullshit, forgiven me, accepted me and loved me. That sounds like a soulmate to me.

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Words to live by

I love Pinterest!

Seriously, who doesn’t? In the dark days, before this magnificent site came into being, I used to spend hours cutting up magazines and gluing ‘inspiration’ into categorized scrapbooks (I still do sometimes, I love a good ‘cut and stick’ now and then). But then Pinterest burst onto the scene like a miracle for serial organizers (not me!) and aesthetic lovers alike. I’ve only just started an ‘angry blonde’ account but my personal account is packed with boards and pins that I always go back to whenever I need a little inspiration. Today, which is another gloomy day in N.I. (quelle surprise), I need some motivation. So here is my curated collection of quotes that I should really try harder to live by. Hopefully they give you a little boost too, like a slap on the ass!

“Shit could be worse.”

For all my moaning and complaining and feeling sorry for myself, shit could be a lot worse. Yes, I lost my boyfriend, but at least I have friends who rallied around to help me through it. Yes, I lost my home, but at least I have a loving family with a spare room to come back to. Yes I lost the £600 security deposit I’d put down for our new place… but, at least it wasn’t £700? Idk…

“Thou shalt not take shit.”

And I don’t… except from him. I’ve now learned that I shouldn’t break this mantra for anybody. I’m a smart girl and I’m over making allowances for anybody’s ‘issues’. If you give me shit, bitch bye.

“It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.”

This is so fucking true. I always find myself looking at others doing things I’d like to do and shrugging off the possibility because I’m not sociable enough, or not bubbly enough, not confident enough. But you know what? I’m not unsociable. I’m not shy and I am confident. When I consider all the things that I am, instead of what I’m not, I realise I’m capable of a fuck load. (Which is a legitimate measurement here in Northern Ireland…)

“Each day I am thankful for nights that turned into mornings, friends that turned into family, dreams that turned into reality and likes that turned into loves.” – Drake

Oh, Drake. So many quotable quotes… But this one immediately brings to mind such nights, friends, loves… It’s too easy to forget how much we are thankful for and how much we’d miss certain memories if we woke up tomorrow and realised they were merely dreams and we hadn’t lived them at all.

“Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes that reason is because you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.”

Sometimes it’s really important to just accept that you’re a dick. You did a dicky thing. Learn from it. Apologise. Make amends where possible and move the fuck forward. It’s not even a part of growing up, it’s a part of simply being human. This quote helps me to remember that we’ve ALL been there.

“Normal is an illusion. What is normal to the spider is chaos to the fly.” – Morticia Addams

I may envy my friends for having their shit together while my life has seemingly taken several steps backwards, but their normality has never been mine. Just because everybody else is married with a mortgage and planning kids doesn’t mean it would work for me. In fact, it most definitely would not work for me. Fuck normal.

“When you’re busy creating your own fulfillment you won’t feel the need to seek it from others.”

Which is why I need to keep working on my blog and on myself. Figure out what I want to do and where I want to be, and hopefully I’ll eventually be satisfied without his opinion.

“Feel the fear and do it anyway.”

The things that I am most proud of in my 24 years, and the things that have had a big hand in shaping me into who I am, are the things I was fucking terrified of doing. Petrified of starting, bricking it during the whole process and dreading it ending and being faced with the outcome. But the outcome was always me feeling like “I am the fucking bomb. I can do ANYTHING. I am tough, I am smart, I am wise, I am confident, I can throw a punch, I can eat an entire chocolate cake and I can fucking do it.”

“Laugh at the men who tell you you’re pretty. You’re so much more than that.”

SO important. When I spend time chatting to a guy, telling him about my interests, my feats, being my charming, witty self, and all he can say is ‘you’re hot’, I just have to walk away. I’m not sure what my type is, but a man who can’t see anything past blonde hair and a bit of lipstick is definitely not it. Girls (and guys), let’s chill about our looks for a minute cause we‘re so much more than that.

“I am better than I was. I will be better than I am.”

So, I have to face up to the fact that I was not the perfect girlfriend. But I tried my fucking best. I treated him better than I’d treated any ex. I improved myself, I worked on my jealousy issues (typical scorpio here), I was forgiving and I made sacrifices to try and keep him happy. I’m not perfect, but I am better than I was and I’ll be better again still.

“Whatever happens we’ll be OK. Nah, we’ll be fucking fantastic.” – Above & Beyond

Just gotta believe it

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On the bright side, I am not addicted to cocaine…

Ok so I’ve done nothing but complain about the human experience lately but let me be clear, I do realise that shit could be worse. I am, in fact, a very lucky girl. All the trials and tribulations of my twenties are just a normal part of the privileged life many of us are fortunate enough to be living.

With that in mind I’m trying to focus on the positives this week. And while all the big parts of my life are looking as bleak as the Northern Irish summer, I’m trying to find smiles in the very little things:

1. Driving home from work yesterday with a view of the brightest rainbow I’ve ever seen
2. Early nights (and sleep in general)
3. Avocado toast
4. My delectable Max Benjamin Coffee & Cardamom candle
5. Puzzle books
6. Clean bed sheets
7. New shoes
8. Fleetwood Mac
9. Vogue, Harper’s Bazaar & ID magazine
10. Hot chocolate
11. Good eyebrows
12. Dwarf hamsters. So. Fucking. Cute.
13. Autumn
14. Starry nights
15. Champagne cocktails

There’s plenty to smile about (metaphorically of course – I suffer from chronic bitch face). What’s on your list?

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Climax

Last night while I was complaining (it’s what I do best!) to a friend that I feel as though I’m lagging behind everyone else in the race to the ‘having your shit together’ status, she was complaining of cold feet.

I don’t mean that she needed a pair of socks. She has life cold feet. While I’m feeling as though I’ve fallen behind my peers who have a decent job, a house, a husband etc., one of these very peers is wishing that life would slow down. Is it a curse of the twenty-something’s to always think the grass is greener on the other side?

As teens we both fantasised about our twenties. We imagined moving abroad, renting a stylish apartment together, being happy, sexy, confident women who have romantic flings with exotic men… It would be everything we always wanted, the time of our lives, our youth, our peak! Instead we ended up in this place called ‘reality’, where we are constantly worrying that we haven’t got our shit together, that we’re supposed to know what we’re doing by now, that we’re not keeping up, that life is moving too fast and we’re not ready to adult yet!

But years ago, when I was much younger, I remember asking my lovely mum what age she would go back to if she could choose. Assuming it would be between 18-21, the years I was then fantasising about, I was surprised when she answered with 30. She told me that her early 30s were when she finally felt like she knew what she was doing. She was still young and beautiful but she was no longer shy or insecure. She knew who she was, she knew what she wanted and she was finally confident and happy with herself.

So, everytime I get stressed about my twenties I like to remember that conversation and continue holding on hope for my thirties. I haven’t peaked yet, my climax is ahead of me and that’s something to be excited about.

🙂

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