Don’t call it a comeback

So I’ve been AWOL for a whole MONTH! But it’s cool – cause I’ve been productive *looks proud*. Well, in-between watching Celeb BB & Making a Murderer (Tiffany to win & I think Steven Avery is innocent).Now, I’m a little too superstitious (I salute every time I see a Magpie) and also therefore too scared to say that 2016 is going well… but come to think of it January hasn’t really been as perfect as I feel. I suppose I’m just a lot more optimistic about this year. So yeah I guess January had it’s ups and downs but I’m looking at it more as a trial month… Like a first draft! February will be better and hopefully March even better still. 


  1. Passing an interview for a new job!
  2. Finding out that first intake for the job is March so I may only have to last another month in that soul-sucking office.
  3. Passing a month with him relatively argument free (by our standards, at least).
  4. Getting back to yoga.


  1. Not getting an official offer yet for the new job. I’m getting impatient 😦
  2. Having a disciplinary in my current job 🙂 Fuck you, boss 🙂
  3. And he got the most adorable, teeny tiny kitten which sadly had to be put down 😦 I think he was just too small. R.I.P Pablo, you were the cutest.
  4. Not getting back to cardio :/

I’ve (very) gradually been getting back to the clean diet and frequent exercise that I so badly need (today I realised my knees have gotten fat. I was feeling lucky that I hadn’t gotten much of a belly after all the shite I’ve been eating but then I found where it’s been going. My knees. Fat fucking knees). But more than for cosmetic reasons I need it for my mental health! It makes a drastic difference honestly. But Feb is my month – I swear (*desperately trying to convince myself*)! In fact, I’m about to order a new blender online for healthy breakfast smoothies! (I keep ordering cheap ones that break after a month. I’m still getting another cheap one though. Who tf has £100 for a nutri-bullet?!)

So I accept my poor diet and exercise choices this month, it’s fine, I’m over it… One thing that I have been beating myself up over though is not having been back to muay thai since Christmas. 

…Beating myself up because I haven’t been there to let anybody else beat me up… is that some kind of irony? I dunno. Nobody really understands irony, I’m convinced.

I dunno what it is I’m just nervous to go back there by myself. A couple of friends kept saying they’d come with me to the beginners class that’s started this month, but they always flake last minute. I guess I don’t really gel with the other girls there. Don’t get me wrong, I really like them and I get along with them just fine. Buuuut, there’s getting along with somebody and getting somebody – you get me?

I tend to shy away a bit when I’m out of my comfort zone around other girls. For some reason I feel I can be myself more around guys but struggle to feel comfortable around girls with bigger personalities than me. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a competition with these girls and I’ve told you before how I do not like to compete! So I basically do the social equivalent of rolling over and playing dead…

 I had the same problem at OTC (officer training corps where I trained with the army during my first couple years at uni). I got along well with all of the girls but only really gelled with a couple of the quieter, less confident girls (who inevitably left). This meant there was a clique of very confident girls with big personalities who developed a strong rapport with the guys and with the officers, which made me feel more isolated, which made me withdraw even more rather than make an effort to join in. They were all great girls, I regret not staying in touch with them but my nerves got the better of me.

And that’s what I feel like again at muay thai! I’m the new girl… Never done any kind of martial arts training before and am very insecure because I’m not doing this for fitness (like most of the other girls), but I actually want to be good at it! And that makes me feel weak. I know I need to just wise the fuck up and go back and get into my routine again but for some reason I feel I need some moral support for just walking in the door for the first time (literally my first time – they got a new door. New premises that I’m not familiar with makes my nerves even worse -_- so illogical).

I’ll try and go this week but we’ll see…

An SBG gym opened up in Belfast and a friend said she would try beginners BJJ (Brazilian jiu jitsu) with me! Now, I’m SUPER nervous to try it (I don’t even like hugging my friends never mind wrapping our bodies around each other in wrestling moves) but as she’ll be just as much a beginner as me, I think it’ll be fine! It’ll be funny, even! Anyway I need some self-defence skills for starting this new job…

I’m sure this is all super boring for anybody reading – I’m just randomly venting about my selective social anxiety! Even with that disciplinary in work – I was shitting myself a little bit, but not because I was in trouble or this might go on my record – purely because I thought it would be SUPER awkward getting a telling off by people I have to work with! (Turns out it was fine. It was super informal and I even scared them a bit as I pointed out the sexism of my bosses which everybody else just passes off as being ‘old-school’)

This post is very all-over-the-place I know. Which I guess is the reason I haven’t sat down to type something up before now – I can’t focus on anything! I have so much on my mind but it’s 80% positive stuff for once! I’m dreaming of Spring and Summer for possibly the first time ever (cause A/W is my jam!) – so that’s weird, but nice! I feel excited! I’m 90% sure I’ve got this job (just waiting on medical & security checks) and it’s like, a real job. With a real wage. And with promotions. I’ll be able to afford actual rent. I’ll be a proper functioning adult! Or at least I’ll have the chance to be one/pretend to be one.
So I guess that’s my big news after a month away. Sorry to bore you but since I really didn’t get anywhere with the first half of my twenties, it’s kind of a big deal.

Everybody praise me.

I hope you have all had a good start to 2016 and thank you to anybody who stops by to read my shite! Now everybody please say a little prayer for Pablo 😔 #allcatsgotoheaven


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Should I stay (in) or should I go (out)?

Everybody’s advice to get over heartbreak is to get back out there, socialise, go out with friends, enjoy life! And tonight I am actually in the mood to get dressed up to the nines and enjoy a cocktail, but I honestly don’t think going out will do anything to assuage this loneliness…

First off, I can get all dolled up, but really the only opinion I care about is his… As pathetic as it sounds, without his approval, looking good just feels kinda pointless.

Second, other people often tend to make me feel even more lonely. Even my closest friends sometimes. He was my best friend, my soul mate. I’ve never been more myself than when I was with him. There’s always parts of me hidden away from every other single person I know. That never mattered much before, but now, without him, it just amplifies how lost I feel. It’s like being surrounded by white noise.

Third, although I’ll be distracted for a few hours and probably enjoy myself for the most part, I’ll still have to come home alone and crawl into an empty bed. And I’m sad enough without adding alcohol to the mix…

So although he is able to go out with his friends weekly, is drinking nightly and is probably meeting other girls, I am spending my weekends home alone, comfort eating. Pretty pathetic huh?

What’s your opinion? Am I better off drunk and sadder or sober and fatter? She types while eyeing up the cheese…

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I’m a fucking walking paradox – no, I’m not

Anybody else out there feel like this? Sometimes I think I’ve just gone insane & am really good at hiding it.

To 99% of people I’m a deadpan, take no shit, who gives a fuck, realist. But to a very very small number of people I’m a die-hard romantic, lover, deeply emotional, passionate dreamer.

To some, I’m a quiet girl, a good girl, who stays out of trouble and keeps to herself. To others, I’m the bad influence, a sassy bitch who you do not want to cross.

Most days I’m incredibly low maintenance, messy hair, no makeup, hoodie & converse. Other days I’m dressed all in black, killer heels, designer jewellery, poker straight hair.

I either don’t give a fuck or I care immensely. I’m either on top of the world or crushed underneath it. Somedays I wanna run, go somewhere new, without a plan. Somedays I find bliss in routine and familiarity.

There are few invariables when it comes to my feelings and the one constant that I’ve been most sure of has fucked off and left me. Now I don’t know myself, or trust myself. Anybody else out there going crazy lately??

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