Toxic

  

Why do I love the things that are bad for me?

1. Chocolate cake.
2. Men with emotional issues that they won’t face up to.
3. Cheap champagne.
4. Dipping all my food into peanut butter.
5. Instagram.

Now, I love Instagram so much that I’m reluctant to admit it may be damaging me, which may be a recurring theme in my relationships… Like a toxic lover it captivates me; it feeds me; I crave it; I adore it; I love it. Yet sometimes it leaves me leaving worthless, sad, fat and ugly… (and poor! Mostly just poor tbh).

Perhaps it isn’t the lover who does this to me, but my own raging jealousy that I attempt to fight off every day with an arsenal of self-love slogans and memories of those couple of times I did something kinda great or looked pretty bangin’. Either way – Instagram is BAD NEWS. For me and my bank account. Here are some of the inane things I have decided I need to make my life a success thanks to the pathetic-aesthetic universe of IG:

• WHITE hair. Not light blonde, not grey… it’s gotta be white. I almost lost my mind last week and bleached it myself with a £10 set from Boots. Now, considering I can’t even put my hair in a messy fucking bun, just imagine the damage I could have done. *shudder*
• A tan. To really set off the hair, make me look more toned AND make my tattoos look cuter. Black on white, pasty skin can look a little harsh… black on a golden-toned, glowing body = sexy af.
• Abs and crop tops. Crop tops have been around for a while now and sadly (so very sadly) do not seem to be disappearing any time soon. Time to loose a few lbs and show a little skin! (IRL though I’m fully aware that this will never happen).
• A white house. With ALL the windows, a perfect kitchen and perfect light for ALL the photos, any time of day.
• Perfect dishes to go in the perfect kitchen where I will take snaps of my perfectly prepared meals and smoothie bowls! (Again, not a chance – except for maybe a perfectly prepared bowl of super noodles).
• Bralets, bralets, bralets. In every kind of lace, in every kind of style, in black, white and grey… Bras are out. £70 bralets are in, in, in!
• Selfies in which I have perfectly highlighted skin and somehow manage to not look at all vain. (How do they do it?!)
• Unbelievably and unnecessarily stylish gym clothes. I don’t know where they come from and I don’t know how people can afford them, but they exist. And I now need them in order to have a successful workout.
• Flexibility. If I can’t do complicated yoga poses on a beach, in my new gym gear, on an eco-friendly yoga mat, while somebody takes photos of me, then am I even living? (Who takes the photos of these girls every day? WHO?!)
• Chic city breaks with my best gal friends where we stay in the fanciest hotels and snap pics of each other lounging about in dressing gowns eating macarons or just gazing out romantically from the balcony, as you do.
• Sam Edelman over the knee boots. Because the rest of the world can seemingly afford them.
• Extremely hard to come by skin care in minimalist, super-stylish packaging.
• A shit-load of £45 candles. Equally hard to come by, equally minimalist.
• A very good camera!! To take flat lays of the candles, cosmetics, bralets and piles of jewellery I’ve somehow accumulated despite spending all my money on the above.
• A bubble butt. Proportionate bodies are OUT.
• Massive lips painted with PRO make-up skills, in the most unnatural colours, preferably from NYX cosmetics.
• Bunches of white roses, or other fresh flowers, every day. Must be white, to match the house.
• An addiction to coffee. (I’m not a fan tbh, it just makes me need to poo).
• A pet in colours that match my house and accessories.
• Sunglasses and a top knot. Every outfit is 10 times cooler with sunglasses and a top knot.
• A high flying career that somehow leaves me time to workout every day, prepare perfect, clean meals, go out for cocktails, go jet-setting with friends, chill at home with candles and coffee AND take photos of everything to post on insta.

 

Just how do they do it -___-

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Falafel

UGH I’m trying SO hard to remain positive this week, but missing him is really getting on top of me. I can’t put him at the back of mind even for a second, he’s at the forefront 90% of the day – and the other 10% he’s like, in the second row. It’s driving me insane (dreamt I was a sniper last night, picking off the ‘baddies’ one by one from a seven-storey window; Most relaxing dream I’ve had in weeks).

But I’m not giving up!! It’s only Tuesday for fucks sake, I can at least go half a week without a break down, right? So here is a rambling, rather superficial list of things I have to smile about:

• Planning a trip to Budapest with my friend
• The McGregor-Aldo fight, wherever I end up watching it
• The fact that I have falafel for lunch – fuck yeah
• Checking out a new gym this week with some friends
• Potential trip to southern Spain to learn free diving, if I stop being such a scardey cat – not kidding, I react to water the same way a very fluffy, very angry cat does.
• Legends – the new movie about the Kray twins. Tom Hardy x2?! Yes please!
• Saturday night plans with friends, wine and a big, dirty take away
• My granda’s getting an Alsatian that puppy I can play with
• One of his ponies is also expecting a FOAL!!! Who can’t be happy around a new born foal stumbling around like bambi?!
• Online shopping. As my unemployed brother is always home to let the delivery man in, guess who doesn’t have to fuck around with Tesco anymore? *smug grin*
• An invitation to stay with my friend in London – although she has informed me that our usual drug and alcohol fueled binges will be on hold until she completes a 10k run in November. Ugh.
• Friends who spontaneously send me messages like this to get me through the day: 
• VERY exciting work opportunities
• New shoes – I may not be able to walk in them but I CAN look like a damn queen in them.
• My little black cat (my familiar!) who sleeps at the end of my bed every single night
• A tidy room. Used my half day yesterday to clean up and finally I can see the floor again.
• Spying an awesome bracelet on an American site and finding out that they offer free shipping to Northern Ireland! Like, what?! Some English sites don’t even offer shipping to auld norn iron!
• Unexpected text from a friend inviting me out for coffee tonight

Now that’s a good list! If I don’t cheer up I’m gonna need somebody to hook me up with some Prozac… Not kidding.

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**Sidenote** I wonder how many more hits this blog post would get if I titled it ‘Baby animals & Tom Hardy’??

Sidenote

  

Just went for a walk to collect my car in black silk pyjamas because I am both hungover and stylish as fuck. 

Sunday nights really have a way of making you question your life choices amiright? I need a job that doesn’t have Mondays! 

Sweet dreams to everyone else who doesn’t know what they’re doing with their life and doesn’t get enough sleep xx

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Words to live by

I love Pinterest!

Seriously, who doesn’t? In the dark days, before this magnificent site came into being, I used to spend hours cutting up magazines and gluing ‘inspiration’ into categorized scrapbooks (I still do sometimes, I love a good ‘cut and stick’ now and then). But then Pinterest burst onto the scene like a miracle for serial organizers (not me!) and aesthetic lovers alike. I’ve only just started an ‘angry blonde’ account but my personal account is packed with boards and pins that I always go back to whenever I need a little inspiration. Today, which is another gloomy day in N.I. (quelle surprise), I need some motivation. So here is my curated collection of quotes that I should really try harder to live by. Hopefully they give you a little boost too, like a slap on the ass!

“Shit could be worse.”

For all my moaning and complaining and feeling sorry for myself, shit could be a lot worse. Yes, I lost my boyfriend, but at least I have friends who rallied around to help me through it. Yes, I lost my home, but at least I have a loving family with a spare room to come back to. Yes I lost the £600 security deposit I’d put down for our new place… but, at least it wasn’t £700? Idk…

“Thou shalt not take shit.”

And I don’t… except from him. I’ve now learned that I shouldn’t break this mantra for anybody. I’m a smart girl and I’m over making allowances for anybody’s ‘issues’. If you give me shit, bitch bye.

“It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.”

This is so fucking true. I always find myself looking at others doing things I’d like to do and shrugging off the possibility because I’m not sociable enough, or not bubbly enough, not confident enough. But you know what? I’m not unsociable. I’m not shy and I am confident. When I consider all the things that I am, instead of what I’m not, I realise I’m capable of a fuck load. (Which is a legitimate measurement here in Northern Ireland…)

“Each day I am thankful for nights that turned into mornings, friends that turned into family, dreams that turned into reality and likes that turned into loves.” – Drake

Oh, Drake. So many quotable quotes… But this one immediately brings to mind such nights, friends, loves… It’s too easy to forget how much we are thankful for and how much we’d miss certain memories if we woke up tomorrow and realised they were merely dreams and we hadn’t lived them at all.

“Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes that reason is because you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.”

Sometimes it’s really important to just accept that you’re a dick. You did a dicky thing. Learn from it. Apologise. Make amends where possible and move the fuck forward. It’s not even a part of growing up, it’s a part of simply being human. This quote helps me to remember that we’ve ALL been there.

“Normal is an illusion. What is normal to the spider is chaos to the fly.” – Morticia Addams

I may envy my friends for having their shit together while my life has seemingly taken several steps backwards, but their normality has never been mine. Just because everybody else is married with a mortgage and planning kids doesn’t mean it would work for me. In fact, it most definitely would not work for me. Fuck normal.

“When you’re busy creating your own fulfillment you won’t feel the need to seek it from others.”

Which is why I need to keep working on my blog and on myself. Figure out what I want to do and where I want to be, and hopefully I’ll eventually be satisfied without his opinion.

“Feel the fear and do it anyway.”

The things that I am most proud of in my 24 years, and the things that have had a big hand in shaping me into who I am, are the things I was fucking terrified of doing. Petrified of starting, bricking it during the whole process and dreading it ending and being faced with the outcome. But the outcome was always me feeling like “I am the fucking bomb. I can do ANYTHING. I am tough, I am smart, I am wise, I am confident, I can throw a punch, I can eat an entire chocolate cake and I can fucking do it.”

“Laugh at the men who tell you you’re pretty. You’re so much more than that.”

SO important. When I spend time chatting to a guy, telling him about my interests, my feats, being my charming, witty self, and all he can say is ‘you’re hot’, I just have to walk away. I’m not sure what my type is, but a man who can’t see anything past blonde hair and a bit of lipstick is definitely not it. Girls (and guys), let’s chill about our looks for a minute cause we‘re so much more than that.

“I am better than I was. I will be better than I am.”

So, I have to face up to the fact that I was not the perfect girlfriend. But I tried my fucking best. I treated him better than I’d treated any ex. I improved myself, I worked on my jealousy issues (typical scorpio here), I was forgiving and I made sacrifices to try and keep him happy. I’m not perfect, but I am better than I was and I’ll be better again still.

“Whatever happens we’ll be OK. Nah, we’ll be fucking fantastic.” – Above & Beyond

Just gotta believe it

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Survival

  

Tips for getting through a girls-night hangover

1. Wake up hideously early, feeling not so bad, and try to prepare yourself for the dark times ahead…
2. Feed the cat that you harassed with drunken cuddles (squeezes) the night before and shakily pour yourself a glass of water.
3. Curl up on sofa and go through your phone for any regrettable texts/calls/incriminating photos and delete drunk, sad and pathetic blog post from 3am.
4. Begin to feel the hangover really setting in and search Pinterest for a ‘hangover smoothie’ recipe.
5. Pretend to parents that you’re not that bad and try not to throw up said smoothie.
6. Hover around the bathroom for a while just in case you do…
7. Admit defeat and climb into bed for a few hours.
8. Wake up from alcohol-induced nightmares, realise you’re overheating, get out of bed and lie on kitchen floor.
9. Thank cat who has lay down next to you for moral support.
10. More water, more bed.
11. Finally find the strength to walk, rather than crawl, at around 4.30 in the afternoon and text abuse to the friend who claims she isn’t hungover.
12. Try to be cool about the sweaty-faced photos of you in the club because everyone else looks pretty in them and you’re a good friend.
13. Cry because your dad has asked you to grate some cheese for the lasagna.
14. Prepare excuse to tell your granny who is coming for dinner why you’re in your PJs at 6pm with panda eyes.
15. Do not get close enough for granny to notice that you smell of smoke, fake tan and tequila.
16. Nibble some bread and focus 100% on not throwing up at the dinner table.
17. Retreat to the bed again and binge watch Parks and Recreation on your laptop until you finally feel like you can eat.
18. Eat cold lasagna from the dish – you do not need the hassle of a plate.
19. Do not cry into your empty purse – instead do some online browsing for all the things you can spend your money on now that you’re ‘never drinking again’.
20. Demand that your brother make you a hot chocolate then feel too sick to drink it.
21. Watch more Parks and Recreation. Eat more cold lasagna.
22. Convince dad to iron your work clothes because you’re dying and accept that he’s ironed a pleat into the legs of your trousers and that you will be going to work looking like a man.
23. Sob for no reason other than your body is telling you to.
24. Deduce that the hideous hangover is Karma punishing you for not telling the waitress in the restaurant that she’s given you the wrong (much cheaper) bill and just paying it and legging it before she noticed.
25. Have another restless night, drag yourself into work Monday morning, don’t let anyone notice you falling asleep at your desk and eat as much bread as possible until you feel like a human being again.

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