Sweet dreams aren’t made of this

  

Little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Except for my subconscious which is filled only with the horrible, hideous and everything terrifying. No beaux r√™ves for me. 

I had my own little ‘inception’ experience last night (where is DiCaprio when you need him ffs?). I first dreamt, or rather, ‘nightmared’ – yes, I made it a verb – that I was in the woods with an anonymous man, who seemed to be my boyfriend. We were setting up camp when I came across a bloody, severed, mangled head; there was blood everywhere and I was suddenly aware that there was a deranged killer in the woods hunting us (you know how in dreams you just know things without any explanation?). For some reason I was freaking out about getting some blood on me as if it carried a disease or something and mystery man was lying there sick (possibly dying?) and utterly useless. But I wasn’t at all worried about him, whoever he was! I was just aware that he was somebody who should have been able to help or protect me, but could not. Anyway the car was broken so I ran off into the long grass and next thing I’m in my back garden (only it wasn’t my back garden?!) with my dad and my broken car. My dad was acting really weird and again, I was just aware that he couldn’t help me. This time I ran to the front of the house where my car was parked across the middle of the road (which I actually thought was strange – whereas so far the rest of the dream apparently hadn’t struck me as anything out of the ordinary (?!)). I remember feeling incredibly scared and alone. There were people around but it was as if they weren’t real and they couldn’t save me from whoever was ‘after’ me. I clambered into my car and struggled to get it started, that’s where the dream ended.

Now, I guess that’s a pretty typical nightmare and probably all that it signifies is that I know, deep down inside, however much I don’t want it to be true, that my poor wee car is probably going to shit itself soon. But then, I dreamt that I woke up and was telling somebody about how scary the nightmare was! That bit fucked with my head a bit when I really did wake up! You’re probably wondering where I’m going with this but the next dream is even odder.

This time I’m in some sort of waiting room, I think it’s a hospital. I don’t know if I’m waiting to be seen to or to see someone but I don’t question it – I’m just waiting. My mum is beside me and Will Smith is beside her. Which was no big deal. I was playing it cool and hoping that for some reason he falls in love with me (I have no explanation for this. I think I might have him rapping on the radio yesterday?). Anyway I look down at my feet and my shoes are filled with snakes and worms. They’re all tangled together, writhing around all over my feet and starting to crawl up my legs! I’m trying to kick my shoes off without pissing off the snakes or squishing a worm… Then I think the dream changed simply to more waiting. You might not think that’s particularly interesting but as I dream a lot it’s always a red flag when there’s a new theme. 

I’ve never dreamt of worms before and have only begun to dream of snakes (creatures that I actually love in reality) since the breakup. Interesting. So here is what Dream Moods’ ‘dream dictionary’ had to say about my nightmares:

Worms: To see a worm in your dream represents weakness, degradation, filth and general negativity. You have a very low opinion of yourself or of someone in your life. The dream may also relate to self-esteem issues or a skewed self image. Alternatively, dreaming of a worm may be a metaphor for someone who is untrustworthy or slick.
To dream that the worm is crawling on your body indicates that you feel someone around you is taking advantage of you and feeding off your kind heartedness.

Snakes: To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of. 
Hospital: To see or dream that you are in a hospital symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental health. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life. 

Waiting: To dream that you are waiting is indicative of issues of power/control and feelings of dependence/independence, especially in a relationship. Consider how you feel in the dream while you were waiting. If you are patient, then you know things will happen at their own pace. If you are impatient, then it means that you are being too demanding or that your expectations are too high.
Alternatively, the dream may denote your expectations and anxieties about some unknown situation or decision. You are experiencing a sense of anticipation or uneasiness.

Killer: To see a killer in your dream suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. 
Father: To see your father in your dream symbolizes authority and protection. It suggests that you need to be more self-reliant. 

Alone: To dream that you are alone indicates feelings of rejection. You may be feeling that no one understand you.
Car: To dream that you are driving a car denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate fromone stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.
To dream that your car won’t start indicates that you are feeling powerless in some situation.

Running: To dream that you are running away from someone indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.
Now, anybody who has been reading my blog can probably see how much these interpretations can relate to my current situation. Is my subconscious ringing alarm bells? 

What do you think? Interesting or a load of nonsense? Do you ever interpret your dreams? Do I just watch too many horror movies? My cat’s tail probably wrapped itself around my foot during the night which my lovely mind turned into slimy, scaly creatures for me. And why didn’t Will Smith try to help me?! So many questions. 

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P.S. There are of course other interpretations for my dream symbols, I just cut it down to what I felt could apply to me. If you have any other suggestions/experience with this stuff I’d love to hear it.

P.P.S. I’m aware that many people will be rolling their eyes at the idea of interpreting dreams. But fuck you. 

I’m into spiritual shit

  

I’ve never been one for religion. Growing up in Northern Ireland it’s imposed upon us from the day we start school, if not earlier! I think it’s changed a bit these days but when I was young we had assembly once a week where we all had to recite the Lord’s Prayer, R.E. was a compulsory subject and most kids went to Sunday school. But although I never really questioned it all that much (it was just the norm), it never really resonated with me on any level. Whatever I was taught it just never made sense. I had to sit through a church service recently (family christening) and left with a headache from rolling my eyes so damn hard. It suggested that Christianity is all about sin and shame – and donating your hard earned dolla to the church. Which is cold, by the way, and filled with wooden benches that hurt your ass. Are cushions a sin now too??

Anyway, despite my views on religion, I am not an atheist. I do believe in something, I’m just not sure what (I think that’s called agnostic?). Sometimes I have a feeling like I’ve been here before, like I’ve known people before, experienced things before… Maybe I believe in reincarnation, but when you hear that everybody who has been transgressed was some sort of King/Queen/mighty warrior, like, come on… Was nobody just a joe bloggs? Catch yourself on.

Truth be told sometimes I wish I were religious – I imagine it’s very comforting during the hard times. But for now I’m happy just believing in something. I don’t need to understand it. I’m happy believing in souls, in soul mates, in fate… And that the universe throws me a bone every so often. 

Earlier tonight I decided to go for a walk. I was at my exercise class (HIIT – high intensity interval training, for anybody who’s interested) and I just couldn’t be fucked to be honest with you. It was hard. I mean obviously it’s supposed to be hard, but I just didn’t have the motivation tonight that usually gets me through. I’ve just wanted to cry all day. So, as soon as we stretched off I ran to my car (with more energy than I could muster for any of my exercises) to avoid the friendly chit chat and noticed what a wintry night it was. Not cold, but dull, gloomy, windy, a little rain. I smiled in a melancholy kind of way – I love autumn. I love winter. But I’m dreading spending them alone this year. To me there’s something romantic about cold, dark nights. Excuses to cuddle by the fire, cold kisses on rosy cheeks… Fucksake I’m gonna make myself cry again. BACK TO THE STORY I decided to turn around, park up again and go for a sad little walk instead, feeling a breakdown coming on. Just at the moment I approached the park a figure, that was leaving by another path, looked my way and stopped. There, in the empty, grey, blustery park at the very moment I arrived was one of my best friends.

Now, we live in a small town, so it’s really not that big of a coincidence, but I’d been feeling so low the entire day and struggling to fight back tears that it did seem like a wonderful stroke of luck to find my friend. We walked in the wind and shared our woes, planned a night in next weekend with takeaway and a few bottles of wine, laughed and bitched about what a tough year 2015 has turned out to be. It doesn’t sound like much, but I was so glad of it. Just something as small and simple as that was all I needed to keep the tears at bay for another night. 

As I walked back to my car and looked out across the murky sea, the wind stinging my eyes, I quietly thanked the universe for giving me a wintry night and a warm friend… And when autumn arrives, I will thank it again, this time for candy apples. 

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