When he broke up with me all I could think about was how happy we could be if we gave things another shot. All the things I needed to ‘fix’ about myself seemed so easy to do when the relationship was at stake. I thought I could be perfect for him and he would love me the way he did at the beginning – back when he was proud to be seen with me.
When he got back in touch and said he wanted to give things another go I thought that, with a little time, we would fall head over heels for each other again. We’d go back to ‘dating’ and it would feel new and exciting like before. But it’s been a little while now and the reality is that we go days without speaking to each other, we hang out like we’re just friends way too often, he doesn’t kiss me and of course he doesn’t love me.
Why doesn’t he want to kiss me anymore? He wants to see me and make plans with me. He has no problem sleeping with me. He says all the right things… But when it comes down to it, he doesn’t want to kiss me. I mean, he isn’t grimacing everytime I come at him with a pout – he doesn’t seem to mind kissing me back, but the kiss is never his idea.
Now that we aren’t living together we have to schedule time to see each other and my friends who are living with their other halves think this is great – it means planning things and getting dressed for one another – Not sitting around in PJs, eating dinner in front of the TV and nodding off on the sofa, which can easily become the only quality time couples spend together when you both work full time. But that’s not really how it goes. With his (very) busy schedule we mostly just sit at his mum’s house and watch netflix and UFC until the early hours then go to bed. I mean, I can do that and not be kissed at my own house. I don’t mind sitting in infront of the TV on a Saturday night but if I’m not getting any cuddles or even much conversation, why am I there? What’s he even inviting me over for?
I’m not stressing too much over it. It is what it is and que sera, sera. My life doesn’t revolve around him anymore and that’s for the best. I’m just sad to lose that passion and love we once had for each other. The strange thing though, is how normal it seems to be to not be affectionate with one another. Friends in long term relationships tell me they’ll go days without kissing their man. Few of them spend much ‘quality’ time with them at all – choosing instead to go out with friends or something.
Is complacency in a relationship just to be expected? Is every day together just another step toward apathy? Is growing apart the only way to grow?
I love so much the idea of marriage and I crave a deep, passionate, all-consuming, inconvenient love – but it’s hard to believe that this exists without an expiration date. I really hope it can. I hope the relationships that I see are a product of our lifestyle and society and that we can all overcome it. Stop letting everything else get in the way of the one thing that all else seems to fall apart without – that one person in the centre of our universe that, we’re so used to seeing, often gets looked straight past.
Take it from A&B:
There’s a thing called love, that we all forget…
And it’s a wasted love, that we all regret…
You live your life just once, so don’t forget about a thing called love.
And if you can’t love somebody anymore, fucking let them go find somebody who can. Don’t tease them with netflix and chill and empty promises. Just figure out your damn feelings UGH!
And if anybody else is feeling weird tonight, I highly recommend eating pecan pie and singing along to Above and Beyond, because (despite how I appear in this post) I am sitting here quite content right now. I have gemütlichkeit from my pie ^___^
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