I haven’t seen him in over 2 weeks now. I really wanted to see him when I came back from Budapest but first he was too busy and then he was being an asshole and then he was still too busy. Once again he had me up all night in tears. Although this time it wasn’t for fear of losing him, it was because I was so stupid to get back together.
I just don’t understand what he’s getting from any of this. I don’t understand why I still can’t just walk away…
The less I see him the less I want to. I can’t imagine him holding me in bed at night or kissing me in the morning the way I could at the height of the heartbreak. I wonder how it wasn’t like this for him… After months apart, not speaking to each other, he decided he missed me and wanted me back in his life. It’s frustrating how we can never truly understand another person. I guess we barely even understand ourselves.
He’s still hurting me and this time I don’t feel like I’m to blame. When he treats me badly he has no excuse for it. So I dislike myself for not being strong enough to just walk away. I just keep hoping he’ll be nice to me again. I remember he used to feel very comforting… When my head was like a thunderstorm I could lie on his chest and just fall asleep. It would be nice to have that back, especially as I feel so inadequate right now.
After basically being told I’m shit at my job and that I need to take more responsibility (in areas I’ve had no training in, I might add), I was then given all the shitty jobs that nobody else wants to do. I struggle at a sport I really want to be good at and I don’t think that I’ve done very well in the tests for the job I applied for. The maths was tough (and totally irrelevant to the job – typical).
I’m just feeling very apathetic towards everything and I really hate that. It’s strangely exhausting. I wish somebody would just come along and set me alight again. Make me feel like I am somebody. Meanwhile, I’m spending weeks in bed dreaming of another life entirely. I’ll wake up after Christmas.
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