I’ve never been one for religion. Growing up in Northern Ireland it’s imposed upon us from the day we start school, if not earlier! I think it’s changed a bit these days but when I was young we had assembly once a week where we all had to recite the Lord’s Prayer, R.E. was a compulsory subject and most kids went to Sunday school. But although I never really questioned it all that much (it was just the norm), it never really resonated with me on any level. Whatever I was taught it just never made sense. I had to sit through a church service recently (family christening) and left with a headache from rolling my eyes so damn hard. It suggested that Christianity is all about sin and shame – and donating your hard earned dolla to the church. Which is cold, by the way, and filled with wooden benches that hurt your ass. Are cushions a sin now too??
Anyway, despite my views on religion, I am not an atheist. I do believe in something, I’m just not sure what (I think that’s called agnostic?). Sometimes I have a feeling like I’ve been here before, like I’ve known people before, experienced things before… Maybe I believe in reincarnation, but when you hear that everybody who has been transgressed was some sort of King/Queen/mighty warrior, like, come on… Was nobody just a joe bloggs? Catch yourself on.
Truth be told sometimes I wish I were religious – I imagine it’s very comforting during the hard times. But for now I’m happy just believing in something. I don’t need to understand it. I’m happy believing in souls, in soul mates, in fate… And that the universe throws me a bone every so often.
Earlier tonight I decided to go for a walk. I was at my exercise class (HIIT – high intensity interval training, for anybody who’s interested) and I just couldn’t be fucked to be honest with you. It was hard. I mean obviously it’s supposed to be hard, but I just didn’t have the motivation tonight that usually gets me through. I’ve just wanted to cry all day. So, as soon as we stretched off I ran to my car (with more energy than I could muster for any of my exercises) to avoid the friendly chit chat and noticed what a wintry night it was. Not cold, but dull, gloomy, windy, a little rain. I smiled in a melancholy kind of way – I love autumn. I love winter. But I’m dreading spending them alone this year. To me there’s something romantic about cold, dark nights. Excuses to cuddle by the fire, cold kisses on rosy cheeks… Fucksake I’m gonna make myself cry again. BACK TO THE STORY I decided to turn around, park up again and go for a sad little walk instead, feeling a breakdown coming on. Just at the moment I approached the park a figure, that was leaving by another path, looked my way and stopped. There, in the empty, grey, blustery park at the very moment I arrived was one of my best friends.
Now, we live in a small town, so it’s really not that big of a coincidence, but I’d been feeling so low the entire day and struggling to fight back tears that it did seem like a wonderful stroke of luck to find my friend. We walked in the wind and shared our woes, planned a night in next weekend with takeaway and a few bottles of wine, laughed and bitched about what a tough year 2015 has turned out to be. It doesn’t sound like much, but I was so glad of it. Just something as small and simple as that was all I needed to keep the tears at bay for another night.
As I walked back to my car and looked out across the murky sea, the wind stinging my eyes, I quietly thanked the universe for giving me a wintry night and a warm friend… And when autumn arrives, I will thank it again, this time for candy apples.
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